Stephenie Meyer and the Triangle of Shippiness
by browniechadowes
Summary: Take 3. Oh, you bet they're back again, the characters of Twilight, going big or going home, altering/commenting Eclipse. Rated M for serious lack of dirty mouth filter.
1. I’s Too Drunk To Talk Bout Death

**browniechadowes:** I am now going to give you a taste of the new parody hitting the web. No more crazy updating until tomorrow… mainly due to the fact that everyone is still wallowing in the pit of discarded characters, and Bella and Edward are slightly incapacitated. I have asked Bella to at least sober up enough to get through the prologue. We shall see. Maestro!

**Orchestra:** *drumrolls*

**browniechadowes:** I give you the third installment of Stephenie Meyer and the Renegade Characters. However, I must warn you, I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, or any of Stephenie's lame jokes… I would like to make the latter quite clear.

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**I's Too Drunk To Talk Bout Death**

**browniechadowes:** *dousing Bella with cold water* Now, Bella, just toddle on over there and say what you need to say.

**Bella: **_Mmmmkay._ With ice in my heart, I watched him prepare to defend me. At this moment, his family was fighting for their lives just as surely as he was for ours. – Stephie, hey Stephie? *taps Stephenie on the shoulder*

**Stephenie:** Yes, Bella?

**Bella:** This mean thad Emmett's gonna getta fight?

**Stephenie:** Most likely not.

**Bella:** Awww. *squints trying to read manuscript, turning it upside down* Urgghhh, Steph, I's too drunk to talk bout death.

**Stephenie:** *shocks Bella with tazer*

**Bella:** Ouch. Wow. Note to self: Electric currents take the tequila right back out of you. I still don't get why we have to start out every novel with me in some situation where someone's about to die. It's so fucking melodramatic.

**Stephenie:** Look, Bella. I have been nice. I have been hard on you. I have tried to ignore you. I have shocked you, murdered bagels in front of you, and set my evil monkey after you. I have threatened to delete you. Let's face it, you're still here and crowing about prologues… again. You know you're going to go through with it, so just get it over with.

**Bella:** *sighs* Would I ever find out who the winners and the losers were? Would I live long enough for that? The odds didn't look so great. The moment when I would surely die. – Gah, Steph, I wish you would kill me off and just get it over with.

**Stephenie:** Later, Bella, later. *under breath* After you have carried the seed of Edward's undead existence to fruition.

**Bella: **?

**Stephenie:** Nothing. Go on.

**Bella:** Somewhere, far, far away, a wolf howled.

**Edward:** *stumbles into view, drenched in whipped cream and Jell-o* Dunchooo worry, Bells, it's just Emmett howling. He founda pit fulla whip cream, loofas, and naked persons. Hee hee. Naked.

**Aro:** Where did you run off to, my little cream puff?

Bella: Ughh. *knocks Aro over the head with the tequila bottle and chugs for dear life* Can't believe I'm doing this shit again.


	2. Penguins Kick Ass

**Penguins Kick Ass**

Bella,

_You're an immature little bitch_

_I'm not comfortable with a fucking three way, no matter what happened in the pit of discarded characters_

_I want to bite your boyfriend's head off_

_We can't be friends when you're into necrophilia… it's not healthy_

_I keep having wet dreams about you, so stop writing to me_

Yeah, I miss you, too. Doesn't change anything.

Jacob

**Bella's inner monologue:** *sniff* Oh no, something's burning… I hope Jasper didn't get into my collection of crosses again.

**Charlie: ***standing with spaghetti sauce all over him and a handful of noodles* What did I do wrong?

**Bella:** Metal's bad for microwaves, Dad. _Aha, I see where my wealth of intelligence comes from._ So what's this all about? Since when do you make dinner?

**Charlie:** There's no law that says I can't cook in my own house.

**Bella:** You would know. *groans* Ugghh, Steph, have we moved away from vampire jokes onto police jokes? Please, stop while you're behind.

**Charlie:** *drags noodles over his body and proceeds to eat them_* Random bitching that will have no subtle hint of conflicts to come: _Seattle's making a run for murder capital of the country. Five homicides in the last two weeks.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Murderer? Homicide, you say? *scribbling onto Bella's a dumbass list* Must buy ticket to Seattle or convince murderers to come to Forks, pronto.

**Charlie:** I wanted to talk to you. About Jacob. _Because I deduced from the last parody that Bella with Jacob = a fed and happy Charlie._

**Bella:** *wipes away tear* I miss the Rabbit.

**Charlie:** Okay. You're free. But I'm hoping you'll use that freedom… judiciously. I know you're satisfied to spend all of your time with Edward. _This feels odd. I've never been the concerned father figure before… Where's Rosalie? Stephenie's writing me uncanon and it feels about as comfortable as a banana hammock._

**Bella:** I spend time with Alice, too.

**Charlie:** _Mmmm, Alice. Flittingly lovely little sex puppet… erghh, have turned into a creepy old man lathered in spaghetti sauce. Not good. Must change subject._ You and Jake used to be joined at the hip, and now-

**Bella**: What's your condition- exactly?

**Charlie:** _Will you just fucking blow Jacob and get it over with? The poor boy's been looking to get some since Twilight._ Jacob has been a very, very good friend to you. Don't you miss him at all?

**Bella:** Yes, I do miss it… erm, him. With Jacob there is a… conflict. About the friendship thing. _Alright, so I confess… We got a little drunk in the pit of discarded characters and all I remember is something with guacamole and donuts. _

**Charlie:** You were always so happy after spending the day with Jake. Oh, and you've got mail.

**Bella:** It's open.

**Charlie:** I was curious. Sorry. _Thought it was my subscription to Barely Legal Daughter's Best Friends…_

**Bella:** I'm shocked, Sheriff. That's a federal crime. *throws down manuscript and punches Stephenie in the ovaries. ..Jokes.

**Stephenie:** Oww, Bella. Come on. That one tickled my funny bone.

**Bella:** No. Just, no.

**Charlie:** Congratulations. Your first acceptance. _So proud. Has one acceptance letter to bum fuck Egypt school. My daughter is a genius. Crap, must start to be supportive and reasonable father figure… ya._

**Bella: **Thanks, Dad.

**Charlie:** *hearing knock on door* Go away. _Unless you brought Alice with you. *shivers* Shit._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Steph, this is the third book. We know what Edward looks like…

**Stephenie:** Humor me, Bella, or I will unleash the fangirls. *fangirls show claws*. They don't like you very much.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Urgh._ Pale white features. Soft full lips. Sharp cheekbones, smooth marble forehead. Rain-darkened bronze hair. Warm with liquid gold eyes. Makes me feel extraordinary- sort of like my bones were turning spongy- _I dunno, if my bones turned into sponges I doubt I'd be feeling very extraordinary._

**Edward:** *smells Bella's wrist oh so creepily*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Enjoying the bouquet while resisting the wine. _Two words: Fucked up._

**Charlie:** Have you decided where you're going to school?

**Edward:** Alright. *holding head* I have a massive hangover and want to take it out on someone. Wanna play "let's piss Charlie off?"

**Bella:** Thought you'd never ask.

**Edward:** Well, there's Syracuse…Harvard…Dartmouth… and I just got accepted to the University of Alaska Southeast today. *giggle*

**Bella:** Guess what, Edward?

**Edward:** What, Bella?

**Bella:** I just got my acceptance to the University of Alaska!

**Edward:** What a coincidence!

**Edward and Bella:** *jump into air and slap hands* Heyyy-o!

**Charlie:** _Note to self: must check Bella's room for crack later._ I'm going to go watch the game, Bella. Nine-thirty.

**Bella:** Er, Dad?

**Charlie:** Right. Okay, ten-thirty.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Although why I would rather have Edward hanging out downstairs not touching me and not sneakily in my bedroom laying in my bed not touching me is beyond me.

**Edward:** *hands Bella application*

**Bella:** Be serious, Edward. Dartmouth? _Have you even been paying attention to the story line? Let's look at the facts: I have ran to find SuperKiller!James, can't put two and two together that you're luring me to the Prom, hear your silky DisembodiedAngry!Edward voice, have dreams about Jake being a wolf but don't realize he is one until he basically spells it out for me, and have a list I carry around with me at all times that actually concludes that I am a complete fucktard. _I don't think I will.

**Edward:** *steals application* I sign your name better than you do yourself_. Forgery! Woo hoo, breaking the law and taking names._

**Charlie:** *superman pose* I smell a misdemeanor.

**Bella:** I want to be a monster_. God, it's not like it's too much to ask for. I'm not trying to convince you to let me take your virginity or anything… *flips through Breaking Dawn* Oh._

**Edward:** *rolls eyes* Monsters are not a joke, Bella. Oh, and by the way, the murderers in Seattle are evil baby vampires.

**Bella:** You won't let me be like that. We'll live in Antarctica.

**Edward:** Penguins. Lovely.

**Penguin:** *pokes Edward in the eye* Penguins kick ass.

**Bella:** Alaska, then.

**Edward:** Mmmm polar bears and wolves.

**Super Bear:** You, sir, are sick.

**Penguin and Super Bear:** *walk away plotting Edward's demise*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Wolf?!? JJJJJJJJAAAAAAAACCCCCCCOOOOBBB!!!

**Edward:** Please forgive my thoughtlessness. I shouldn't have suggested that. But you know you can't be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella. Do you want us to start a war?

**Jasper:** Charge!!! *sneakily steals a cross off of Bella's wall*

**Edward:** I can't believe you're reading Wuthering Heights again. The characters are ghastly people who ruin each others' lives.

**Bella: ***looks at front cover* We're not talking about Twilight, right?

**Edward:** Meh, I'm sure Stephenie was trying to make some sort of lame allusion there.

**Bella:** *looks at clock* _Jacob bitching time._ I want to see Jacob.

**NotJealous!Edward:** Nopers.

**Bella:** Jacob is in pain. He needs me.

**NotJealous!Edward:** If I'd never left, you wouldn't feel the need to comfort a dog. _Really, Bella, that's bestiality… and I'm pretty sure that's a few steps worse than necrophilia. _

**Bella:** I'll be fine.

**NotJealous!Edward:** No werewolves. _Vampires? Fine… well, excluding Aro. You might want to stay away from him. *shivers at repressed memories*_

**Bella:** I have to see Jacob.

**SlightlyJealous!Edward:** Then I'll have to stop you.

**Bella:** *runs over to Charlie, scooping off spaghetti sauce, and flings it at Edward* You suck. I love you.


	3. Mike's Mysterious Black Object

**Mike's Mysterious Black Object**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I felt buoyant as I walked, and it wasn't just because I was holding hands with the most perfect person on the planet.

**Edward:** Why, thank you snookums.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was a free woman. _Wow, I am in complete and utter denial. I'm so free that Edward's forging college applications I don't want to fill out, Charlie has me under a curfew, and I'm pretty a sexy vampire would kick my ass if I tried to go see Jacob… but ya, completely free as a bird._

**Angela:** *dragging Ben out of the pit of discarded characters* _I have never seen anyone do that with a donut before…_ Have you sent your announcements, yet?

**Bella**_**:**__ Edward is my life. I don't need anyone else. Leave me and my little snow cone alone! _Renee knows when I'm graduating. Who else is there?

**Angela:** My mother's brothers and sisters are whores and procreated like rabbits, so I have to hand-address about 1000.

**Bella:** I'll help you. Charlie un-grounded me last night.

**Alice:** _Un-grounded, you say?_ We have to go celebrate… _Hmmm candlelight dinner, champagne on ice, a little Thelma and Louise to set the mood…_

**Bella:** Whatever you're thinking, Alice, I doubt I'm that free.

**Alice:** Damn.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hmmm, thinking of Jacob's crumpled pain face… I am so incomplete!- Wait, so Stephenie, you have me bitching throughout the last book because I'm incomplete without Edwardkins, and now I'm incomplete without Jacob… do I ever stop being an angsty teen?

**Stephenie:** *stroking Caius* I'm sorry. I was preoccupied, but it sounded as if someone was whining that I had created two stud muffins to fight over her… hmmm, must have been the wind.

**Alice's inner monologue: ***freaky children of the corn face* Mmmm, God those fanfics I read last night were kinky… especially the one where I got to bathe Bella ever so lovingly…

**Edward:** Is it naptime already, Alice?

**Alice:** Sorry, I was daydreaming, I guess. _Shit. Must block thoughts pretend to have been having a vision… let's see. Aha! Redheaded vampire bitch should do the trick._

**Edward's inner monologue:** Oh no! Redheaded vampire bitch!

**Alice and Edward:** *stare at Bella lustfully/ominously*

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** I shall now spend the rest of the day avoiding Bella's stare of stupid curiosity.

**Bella:** I shall now spend the rest of the day trying to stare at Edward with stupid curiosity.

**Mike:** *talking to Edward*... but I just replaced the battery.

**Edward:** Oh, sometimes that happens. Were you using it in the water? With whipped cream? Because sometimes the batteries can corrode…

**Mike:** *spotting Bella* Maybe. I don't know anything about…cars.

**Edward:** I could take a look, if you like.

**browniechadowes:** You know, that's what she said.

**Edward:** Just let me drop Alice and Bella at home.

**browniechadowes:** Don't you dare even fucking think about it for one second, Mike Newton. No slashy ships. None. I mean it. Turn him down now and go back to playing with yourself in the pit.

**Mike:** *looking at Edward's dazzle stare* Er… thanks. Maybe some other time.

**Bella:** What was that about?

**Edward:** Just being helpful. _Oh, come on, the plot was getting boring without a little scandal._

In Bella's room:

**Bella:** *twiddles fingers*

**Edward:** Are we a little impatient today?

**Bella's inner monologue:** I could taste his scent on my tongue_. Eeesh, what am I now, a snake?Freaking amphibian? Hello, I'm not the cold blooded one in the relationship._ His skin was cold enough to make me shiver- it was a shiver of pleasure.

**Edward:** *pulls face away* _Alright, there is no way I can keep kissing her when she starts the smuttiness in her head. It's not even hot smut, it's just flowery "pleasure" smut. I don't even know if it deserves to be called smut._ ARGH! What did you do to this?!? *looking at stereo*

**Bella:** It didn't want to come out of the dashboard.

**Edward:** You killed it.

**Irate!Emmett:** *lumbers into the scene holding up stereo* God, this is seriously the last straw, Stephenie! I don't get to fight evil narcissistic James in the first novel, I don't get to go talk to badass old vamps in the second novel. The only thing I have done is install this fucking stereo, and now you're telling me it's dead?

**browniechadowes:** Super Bear? Come and get Emmett. And whatever you do, don't let him read the fight scene at the end of this novel.

**Super Bear:** Come on, now. *to Emmett* Let's go get you some more honey. It'll be okay.

**Edward:** *holding tickets* Do you realize these are about to expire? Let's go to Florida!

**Bella:** Another time.

**Edward:** We'll talk about it later.

Later:

**Charlie:** *nom nom nom nom* That was great, Bells.

**Edward:** Charlie, did Bella tell you my parents gave her tickets to see Renee?

**Bella:** Grrrrrr. *flips through manuscript* Ya, pretty sure I said no to that one.

**Edward:** But I said we'd talk about it later. Look at the scene, Bella. It's later.

**Charlie:** You're not going anywhere with him, young lady!

**Bella:** But if Jacob went you'd be fine with that.

**Charlie**: _Ya, the boy deserves a little lovin'._ Noooo

**Bella:** I'm going out.

Outside:

**Bella:** What was that?

**Edward:** I'm going to lie to you and tell you you've been talking in your sleep about your mom so you'll go away with me and not be here when crazy redhead bitch comes into town. K?

**Bella:** Okay, but I feel like you should be changing my diaper or something.

**Edward: **Thought I smelled that when I came in.

**Bella's inner monologue: **So Alice and Edward play chess in their head, which is really boring, because they just knock over each other's pieces screaming "Bow down to me!". And I am confused anyway. And I don't know how to play chess. And I just want to jump Edward…

Back at Bella's:

**Edward:** Hehe, Charlie's going to talk to you about sex.

**Bella:** Erm…

**Charlie:** Okay, Bella. Sex, loofa, Edward, demon babies, tomato soup.

**Bella:** I'm a VIRGIN!

**Charlie:** Ummm, too much information, Bella. I thought we were playing scattegories?

**Bella:** *blush* Erm…_Wow, that made me kinda horny. Need to visit the Rabbit…_

_*tries to turn on car*_

**Edward:** *twirling mysterious black object* Alice called.

**Bella:** Wait… is that… why in God's name do you have a big black dildo?

**Edward's inner monologue:** Oh Jesus, I thought I gave that back to Mike. How embarrassing. *grabs spark plugs*

**Bella**: ?

**Edward:** I'll put your car back together in time for school.

**Bella:** ?

**Edward**: Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight.

**Bella's inner monologue:** The window crashed shut and the glass trembled. Then I sighed, and opened the window as wide as it would go. _Hell, I didn't get to see the Rabbit, maybe he'd let me borrow his._


	4. Do You Bite Your Thumb, Sir?

**Do You Bite Your Thumb, Sir?**

**Renee:** I'm worried about you… and Edward.

**Bella:** Oh. _Join the club. After living through the second shitty parody, and after a few drinks, Edward and I seriously debated the dynamics of this relationship… and then we got wasted and joined Aro in strip twister and haven't really talked about it since. Huh._

**Renee:** The way he watches you- it's so… protective. I mean, when he bitch slapped that little girl on the bike for almost running into you, it sent off some parental alarms.

**Bella:** Is that a bad thing? The girl looked like she'd grow up into a Super!whore anyway.

**Renee:** I don't really understand your relationship. You move like gravity. You're like a… satellite or something.

**Bella: **You've been reading sci-fi. Found anything good?

**Renee:** Well there was this one about a chagrin masochistic girl that fell in love with an overprotective controlling vamp-

**Stephenie:** *runs up and shoves marshmallows into Renee's mouth* Oh good gollie. Who gave her a copy?

**Browniechadowes:** *looks away unconvincingly* Well, Charlie wasn't doing anything parental about the relationship. Thought I'd try…

**Bella:** _ARGHHH. She's onto me!_ You're freaking yourself out.

**Renee:** Mfffrrrmmllfff.

At Bella's House:

**Charlie:** I missed you, Bells. The food around here sucks when you're gone. _Easy Mac is not as easy as they make it out to be. I put too much water in, burnt my damn fingers, added the poweder… and it didn't even taste like macaroni. It was like macaroni's retarded cousin that doesn't even know how to spell cheese. Blech._

**Bella:** *answers phone* Hello?

**Jacob:** You're back. I need to talk to you. Have to go. Bye.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Well that was weird. Ah well, dinner-making time. I was in the middle of making out with the package of icy hamburger when *lightbulb*

**Bella:** I think he was checking to make sure that I'm human.

**Edward:** *holds Bella oh so tenderly*

**Charlie:** Ahem. _I don't see anything cooking. Less sex, more food! Unless you can do both at the same time, in which case I would just ask you to keep the fluids separated._ If you don't want to make dinner, I can call for a pizza.

Outside school:

**Bella's inner monologue:** Ummm, what the hell is going on? Why in God's name is Jacob here, and why are both he and Edward wearing tights and carrying swashbuckling swords?

**Jacob:** *bites thumb*

**Edward:** Do you bite your thumb, sir?

**Jacob:** Aye, sir.

**Edward:** But do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

**Jacob:** No, sir, but I do bite my thumb.

**Bella:** *rolls eyes*

**browniechadowes:** Okay, I know you guys want to rib Stephenie for all the Romeo and Juliet shit, but is this really the way to go about it? And those tights are distracting. You at least have to make an attempt to stay in canon.

**Stephenie:** *wide eyed* Wait, why did you stop? We were getting to a good part!

**browniechadowes:** *takes marshmallows from Stephenie and tries to overdose on sugar*

**Edward:** Message delivered. Consider us warned. *reluctantly throwing away sword*

**Bella:** Warned? _Why do I always feel like I'm missing something?_

**Jacob:** You didn't tell her?

**Bella:** No, I know about Mike and the dildo… It's okay. I've come to terms with it.

**Jacob:** I'm going to ignore that. Really fucking random, Bella. No I'm talking about his brother crossing the line Saturday while we were chasing sexy redhead bitch. Why haven't you told her?

**Edward:** Ummm, have you seen the way she acts when anything dangerous with fangs is in the picture? She runs up to them doing the Macarena.

**Bella:** _Oooooh._ She came back for me. _Am slightly scared… yet slightly, touched?_

**Jacob:** Bella has a right to know. It's her life. _Jesus, do you sprinkle her ass with baby powder, too?_

**Edward:** Do you really think hurting her is better than protecting her? _Ya, that's right *takes off glove and slaps Jacob in the face*_

**Jacob:** I'm going to ignore that bitch move and just remind you that she's tougher than you think. *evil thoughts, evil thoughts*

**Edward's inner monologue:** ARGGHHH! No fair. He did not have to bring up the night with the Furbie and Velveeta. Low blow, man, low blow.

**Asshole!Jacob:** That's funny. _Tee hee. That Velveeta had to take a long time to clean up._

**Bella:** What are you doing to him? _I wanna play the game! Why am I always left out? Gah._

**Edward:** Jacob has a good memory.

**Bella:** Stop it!

**Asshole!Jacob:** It's his own fault if he doesn't like what I remember. _Hah, no more blaming it on the tequila shots, glitter man._ Come see me, Bella.

**Bella**: I, er, don't know about that, Jake. _The tights have kinda made me see you in a different light. Hopefully you're still going through that crazy growth spurt._

**Asshole!Jacob**: I guess I'll survive or something. _Damn, when I'm asshole Jake I sound like a high school girl listening to Beethoven and cutting my wrists._

**Jasper:** *pops up from lighting a cross on fire* Someone say my name?

In class:

**Bella:** *passes note to Edward* Florida was a bad idea.

**Note!Edward:** Like I could send you off alone. You'd probably trip and set the damn plane on fire.

**Note!Bella:** Let's say the plane did crash.

**Note!Edward:** Why is the plane crashing?

**Note!Bella.** Ummm, I thought you said I tripped. No? Well Mike and Aro are flying the plane and they're passed out drunk.

**Note!Edward:** Easy. I'd fly the plane.

**Note!Bella:** God, you cannot save me, bitch. Both engines exploded.

**Note!Edward:** _I am now going to be a slightly arrogant pompous asshole:_ *clears hypothetical throat* I'd wait til we were close to the ground, grip you, kick out the wall, jump, run you back to the scene of the accident, and stumble around like two lucky survivors. *dazzle dazzle dazzle*

Calculus:

**Austin:** My money's on the big Indian.

**Mike:** Yeah, Did you see the size of that Jacob kid?

**Ben:** That's what she said… and Edward can take care of himself.

**Mike:** Bets?

**Austin:** Ten on Jacob.

**Tyler:** Ten on Cullen

**Ben:** Ten on Edward.

**Mike:** Jacob.

**Embry: ***pops head in* Wait, betting without the "Indians" present? Did you actually listen to me, Stephenie?

**Stephenie:** Not at all. I'm not racist, sexist, or cliché. Don't know what you were talking about.

**Embry:** Well, then I'll take ten on Cullen.

**Jacob:** ?


	5. Stampede of Shippiness

**Stampede of Shippiness**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was having a bad week. _I wish my life were less predictable. It's sad when the best week of my life is flying back on a plane from watching tourists being slurped to death like giant slushies and flamboyant vampires making passes at my undead boyfriend. _Someone like me shouldn't be human. But no one would listen to me. _Again, why am I surprised?_

**Carlisle:** Charlie would die of food deprivation if we changed you now.

**Esme:** We love you! *kisses forehead*.

**Bella:** I fail to see how that has anything to do with me being Vamptastic!Bella or not…

**Emmett:** I'm glad Edward didn't kill you. While you're human there's a chance we'll have a badass showdown fight! *high fives penguin, Super Bear, and kinolaughs*

**Rosalie:** *glare* Can we go with option three and just eat her?

**Alice:** *rolls eyes* Why are you worried now? I mean, really, Bella. This is slightly out of character for you.

**Jasper:** *caaaalllmmm the paaaiiiinnnn*

**Edward:** Marry me, my sweet, and I will suck your neck like a sextastic mosquito.

**Bella:** Urghh.

The next morning:

Note!Edward: I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after- Goddamnit. *steals tequila from Jessica in the pit of discarded characters and takes a shot* Look after my heart- I've left it with you.

**Bella:** Ewww, oh the sugar. I swear our love is like the MSG in take-out Chinese food.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hum dee hum, will eat each Cheerio one by one. Now will be OCD and arrange the magnets on the fridge. Argh, stupid magnets. Touch, you stupid things.

**Bella: ***forcing them together* See, that's not so horrible, is it? _Oh of all dear things that are holy, I have gone from hearing voices in my head to talking to magnets. I need a social life._

At work:

**Mrs. Newton:** Mike and I can probably handle things. I'm sorry you got up and drove out…

**Mike:** That's not fair, Mom. If Bella wants to wank…

**Mrs.** Newton and Bella: ?

**Mike:** work- _Oh man, need to think distracting thoughts. Fish bait, bear traps, rock climbing rope, my mom and Bella tied up with rope… shit._

**Bella's inner monologue: ***grabbing paper that says: SAVE THE ONLYMPIC WOLF* Eureka! Will go see Jakey-poo now.

At Jacob's:

**Jacob:** Bella! How did you get here?

**Bella:** I snuck out! _Because I am oh so super stealthy, durr._

**Jacob:** Awesome! *bouncing along* So, summarize New Moon for me. I got bored before I could get through the end.

**Stephenie:** Don't you dare. That is a good two pages…

**browniechadowes:** *promises Caius her first born if he distracts Stephenie*

**Stephenie:** Ooooh, Jell-o.

**Bella:** They thought I died. Edward became Suicidal!Edward. I saved him from the Glitter of Doom. We had cream puffs with gay vampire. We flew home. Your turn. What happened this weekend?

**Jacob:** Bam! Super sexy redheaded bitch trail shows up. She crosses the line. Emmett tries to lunge for her, but ends up hugging Paul. Paul's a homophobe so he got pissed. Redheaded bitch gets away.

**Emmett:** Again, why wasn't this in the actual novel? I better get a freaking kick ass Fight Club scene pretty damn quick.

**Super Bear:** True dat.

**Jacob:** You realize that if you had waited for me nothing would have changed? No vampires in Forks, and you and me_… would be getting it on in the Rabbit. Oh, I've read the fanfics, I know._

**browniechadowes:** Thus, Stephenie's triangle of shit-tastic shippiness begins.

**Jacob:** You see it everywhere. Nature taking its course- hunter and prey, the endless cycle of life and death.

**Orchestra:** *begins to play Circle of Life*

**Jacob:** When lions die, their bodies become the grass. lions eat the anteloupe, and the anteloupe eat the grass. You never see a fish trying to kiss an eagle.

**Bella:** Ermm, ok? Maybe the fish was trying to. Eagles are super sexy.

**Jacob:** Is that what it is? Good looks? _Because I am doing quite well in that department, if I do say so myself. *looks at reflection in the water* Hello, sexy. *wink*_

**Bella:** Don't be stupid, Jacob. _Just because I go off monologueing about Edward's amazing marble chiseled body, his liquid golden eyes, perfect bronze hair, and his luscious soft lips doesn't mean… oh._

**Jacob:** Is it the money, then?

**Bella:** You disgust me sir! What is a valid reason for someone to love someone else?

**Jacob:** _Hmmm he should be around 7 foot tall, run a toasty temperature, be an asshole at times, and explode into a furry hairball of smexiness…_ You should look within your own species.

**Bella:** I guess I'm stuck with Mike Newton.

**Mike**: *popping head out of pit of discarded characters* Ummm, did I hear that right? Awesome! *tries to drag Bella into the pit*

**Bella:** *knees Mike in the balls* I was being ironic.

**Jacob:** I feel human.

**Bella:** Oh, Jake *swoon*

**Bella and Jacob:** *skip off into the sunset holding hands*

**Edward:** Oh dear lord, no. *looks at crowd of people in the distance*.

**Bella:** *gulp* It's starting.

**Jacob:** Oh shit. This is kinda all sorts of fucked up scary.

**Stephenie:** *looking up from Jell-o* Huh?

**Jacob/Edward/Bella Triangle Shippers:** *stampede over Stephenie and begin to furiously write all over everyone's manuscripts*


	6. You’re a…Virgo?

**You're a…Virgo?**

**Bella:** So, what's Sam's problem?

**Jacob:** Long story.

**Bella:** I'm listening.

**Jacob:** So, Sam was doing Leah. Same goes all werewolfy because of your little sexcicle.

**Bella:** Grow up.

**Jacob:** Can't.

**Bella:** AAAAAAAARGGGGH! *tears o' rage* _Oh God. Pace makers, Viagra, reading glasses, droopy boobs!_ I get older every stinking day.

**Jacob:** Ummm, so does most of the world's inhabitants…

**Bella:** What kind of world is this? Where's the justice? This is so unfair! *girly foot stomp*

**Jacob:** *snigger* It's okay. Once the vamptastic craziness is gone, no more werewolf, and I will get old and wrinkly. Anyway, back to Sam. Sam sees Leah's cousin Emily and BAM mate for life.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hehe. He said mate.

**Jacob:** *rolls eyes* Well Sam and Emily get it on. Sam mauls her face off. And they live happily ever after.

**Bella:** Did it happen to you?

**Jacob:** No, I have never sexed up Emily nor have I torn her face off.

**Bella:** ?

**Jacob:** No.

**Bella/Jacob shippers:** Nopers. The story doesn't go that way. *type furiously on computers planning moment where Jacob oh so tenderly imprints on Bella as they make furious love on a stump*

**Jacob and Bella:** Urgh. That's just awkward.

**Bella's inner monologue**: The sun. It burns! Mmmmm, Jacob, he burns. But in a completely platonic, non-hormone charged way.

**Jacob:** What are you thinking about?

**Bella:** The sun. You?

**Jacob:** Mike Newton's puke.

**Bella:** _Ermm, romantic?_ On that note, gotta go! I'll come back next time he's away.

**Jacob: **You mean the next time he's busy licking the blood out of a bunny like a hot fudge sundae?

**Bella:** You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella.

**Jacob:** _Bravo for the brilliance, Bella. _But I'm a werewolf and he's a vampire.

**Bella:** And I'm a Virgo!

**Jacob:** Bitch, you didn't tell me that.

**Edward:** I know, after all we've been through. You didn't tell me you're a *shudder* Virgo?

**Jacob:** Edward, let's blow this bitch.

**Edward:** I'm right there with you, you steamingly sexy piece of animal.

**Edward/Jacob shippers:** And they caress each other so gently, leaning in to touch-

**browniechadowes:** Holy mother fucking Christ. I take one little nap and the shippers have mutilated the parody. So sorry, avid readers, we'll get this cleaned up in a second. *shouting* Oh look, I think I see Jacob getting into Bella's sleeping bag*

**Stampede of shippers:** *run and fall into the pit of discarded characters*

In Bella's car:

**Orchestra:** *Starts to play the Jaws theme song*

**Edward's!Silver Volvo: ***creeps up behind Bella's truck and starts circling it*

**Orchestra:** Buuuuudum, buuudumbum, budum budum budum budum…

**Bella:** _Silver Volvo._ Aw, crap.

**Edward:** *continues to stalk Bella to Angela's*

**Angela:** I can't believe you're really going to help me with this.

**Bella:** I don't mind… *sees humongous pile of letters* _Shit, she wasn't kidding about her mom's siblings. Damn._

**Angela:** What's Edward doing tonight?

**Bella:** _Mmmm, the usual. Being overprotective and obsessive. Tailing me in his Volvo. Bitching at me for flirting with a werewolf._ Hiking. He's mad at me because of Jacob Black.

**Angela:** He's jealous.

**Bella:** Nope. Don't think so.

**Angela:** It's jealousy.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Ermm. Okay, so I'm getting even worse at this. This one took me almost two and a half books to get? Maybe Charlie dropped me on my head when I was a baby…

**Angela:** College, dorms, campus, Ben.

**Bella:** Alaska. Edward.

**Angela:** Wow, I'm about the dullest character in the book. I want to go back into the pit. I was the freaking life of the party. And these glasses aren't even mine. *throws down glasses and dives into dirty whipped cream*

In Bella's room:

**Bella:** Hi. So, I'm still alive. I don't have to worry about Jake. And neither do you.

**Edward:**_ I'm not worried. He is in no shape or form any sort of competition. _This won't happen again. _Face my wrath of jealous denial._

**Bella:** That's right! Because you're not going to act like a psychological serial killer next time.

**Edward:** There isn't going to be a next time. _Eeesh, I sound like I'm about to go Norman Bates on her ass._

**Bella:** You aren't… Is this just a testosterone-fueled-

**Edward:** Well, Bella, technically I do not have testosterone… however later on I have a feeling that it will be revealed that even though I have no human hormones I am still able to impregnate you with my venomous sperm.

**Bella:** _Ermm, going to ignore that one._ I'm Switzerland!

**Edward**: And I'm the fucking pope. You smell like a dog.

**Bella:** *swooooon* lurrrve.

The next week:

**Bella:** What's going on? Where is Edward?

**Alice:** We're having a slumber party! *runs up to Stephenie and ladles creepy hugs all over her* This so beats Bella sleeping on me in the first novel. Hooray!

**Bella:** You're kidnapping me? Don't you think this is a little controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe? *flips through all three novels, counting pages* _Jesus, it took me over 600 pages to figure that out?_

**Alice:** Not really. _Well, okay, so it is a little Charlie Manson but I get to be the one staring at you tenderly and lovingly all night long…_

**Bella:** Where am I supposed to sleep?

**Alice:** _On top of me, my delicious little pineapple._ Edward's room.

**Bella:** *on the phone* Hey Jake. Can't come over Saturday.

**Jacob:** He lock you in his coffin?

**Bella:** Close.

**Jacob:** Shit, I was just kidding. That's rather scary and overprotective.

**Bella:** I'm being held prisoner. But it's for my own good. I don't know any better.

**Jacob:** That's fucked up. See you.

**Bella:** *dials number* You are in enormous trouble. Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home. _Really? Had to bring back the grizzly joke? It was only slightly funny the first time. If Stephenie had a dead horse, she'd be beating it to a pulp right now._

**Stephenie:** *attempts to hide horse carcass behind her back*

**Rosalie:** Can I come in?

**Bella:** ARGGHHH! Don't eat me!

**Alice:** *pops head out from under bed* Can I?


	7. Rosalie’s Past From Concentrate

**Rosalie's Past From Concentrate: Just Add Water**

**Stephenie:** Hmmmm *tossing aside heavily scribbled on manuscript* You know, this fanfic writer's take is pretty decent. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to add a little compassion into the character of Rosalie.

**Rosalie:** Huh? You're not going to let me be a super bitch anymore?

**Stephenie:** Well, I might change my mind later, but for now I think you should be forlorn and willing to connect with Bella.

**Rosalie:** Well that's a load of shit. That's completely uncanon!

**Stephenie: **Yes, well, I could always turn you into an ugly hag. Sick Sam on you….

**Rosalie:** Oh, gross, I'm going to have to do this? I fucking hate Bella and all that is or smells like her. I'm making it quick, though. It's going to be Rosalie's past from concentrate.

**Stephenie:** *sighs* If you must. Just don't let me see how much you cut.

**Bella:** What is it?

**Rosalie:** I'm going to tell you why I don't want you to become VamptasticStumblefuckSister!Bella.

**Bella:** Oh.

**Rosalie:** *cracks knuckles doing theatrical facial expressions to get into character* Would you like to hear my story, Bella?

**Bella:** Ermm, don't see what this has to do with the plot… but proceed, I guess.

**Rosalie:** Setting: The year is 1933. Middle class parents, social climbers. Father oh so pedifiliacally bought me sexy dresses. Mom tried to pawn me off on rich old men. I was happy. Best friend is Plain!Vera. Plain!Vera had husband and a kid. I was engaged to super rich Royce King II. Royce was my prince. Someday, I would be queen.

**Bella:** Urgh, Steph, more fairy tale allegories?

**Stephenie:** Shhhhush, Bella. This is a very-

**Bella**: I know, I know. A very chagrin and masochistic story…

**Rosalie:** One night Royce got drunk, exposed me to his friends. Then, boom, gang bang, loud noises, almost dead.

**Bella:** And you're telling me this because?

**Rosalie:** *ignoring Bella, pulling theatrical swoon o' despair* Carlisle found me, bit me, and, voila! Vamptastic!Rosalie is born. But Edward said, "What were you thinking, Carlisle? Rosalie Hale?" That pissed me off. But it got better after about 100 years of him staying clear of anything with a vagina. I thought he was probably just ticked off that Carlisle didn't change Royce instead…

**Bella**: Ermm, still at a loss to what this has to do with the plot.

**Rosalie:** Welp, I killed Royce and his buddies, lived with the Cullens, and have detested the fact that Edward likes you.

**Bella:** But you love Emmett.

**Rosalie:** Ya, that was kind of a perverted thing. I saw him and he reminded me of Plain!Vera's kid. Don't ask. I'm still in counseling for that.

**Bella:** So you still don't like me?

**Rosalie:** *a look of lust building in her golden eyes* I don't like you, Bella, I love you.

**Alice:** You can't have her to yourself, Rosalie. Can we at least share?

**Bella:** *holds out hands to both beautifully stunning vampiresses, reaching out to touch-*

**browniechadowes:** Ah, fuck. Okay. Damn it. I decide to have one little cocktail hour with kinolaughs and Kayanne, thinking I'm perfectly fine to neglect my fanfic for some adult girl talk, and this has turned into a lesbian shippage. Strike that, a lesbian fucking cruise. No. *bitch slaps each and every smutty shipping fanficcer out there* Behave yourselves or I will regretfully have to rename this parody and take you out of the story altogether. *end rant* Jesus, continue.

**Bella:** Would you like me better if I stayed human?

**Rosalie:** *looking at angry Rosalie/Alice/Bella fanfic writers, then at browniechadowes' finger on the trigger of the tazer* Uhhhh, nope. You get on my nerves and smell like you walked out of the 16th century… bathing wasn't too popular then.

**Bella's inner monologue:** We weren't friends yet, but I was sure she wouldn't always hate me so much. Am I always this naïve and completely off base?

**Rosalie:** Yep. So don't count your chickens. I'm doing this for Stephenie, and unless you have some sort of demon spawn baby I won't really care all that much about you. Tootles.

At school:

**Mike:** Edward fucking Emmett this weekend?

**Bella:** Yeah. Wait, what?

**Mike:** Erm, Edward hiking this weekend?

**Bella:** Ya.

**Mike:** You want to fuck me tonight?

**Bella:** ?

**Mike:** You want to do something tonight?

**Bella:** Can't. I've got a slumber party_… which would be perfectly okay, if I didn't keep having this weird dream that Alice was pouring pineapple juice all over me, caressing my belly button, and saying "Yeeess. My sweet little nectarine". Bizarre._

**Jacob:** Run, Bella, run! *steals Bubba Gump shrimp and box o' chocolates from the last parody and chomps down*

**Bella:** I got really sick and went home, okay?

**Mike:** Fine. _Damn. Note to self: Must buy a motorcycle to whisk Bella away on a sextastical journey._

**Bella:** *kisses Mike on cheek* Thanks, Mike.

**Mike:** Fuck, ya!

**Jacob:** We made it. Not bad for a prison break, eh? _Damn, when did I get so cocky and suave? *checks hair rapidly in side mirror* Oh, thank God. Suave usually results in a bouffant hairdo._

**Bella:** Good thinking, Jake. _Yay! Fast things! Fun, fun *claps hands childishly*_

**Jacob:** What do you want to do today?

**Bella:** You? Ermmm, I mean, anything! _I have a long awaited date with that car of yours…_


	8. So Not El Creepy

**So Not "El Creepy"**

**Bella:** So what's the latest pack scandal?

**Jacob: ***shock!*

**Bella:** That was a joke.

**Jacob:** Well, Quil imprinted on a two year old.

**Bella:** *vomits into nearby bush* _Sick. I can deal with wanting to fuck undead guys and secretly wanting to fuck animals, but pedophilia? Ewwww._ Sorry. It sounds really el creepy. _More el creepy than Edward was in the first few chapters of Twilight._

**FutureSequel!Jacob:** It is so not "el creepy". It's-

**Stephenie:** Love!

**Jacob:** Umm… like big brotherly, _until they go through puberty and want to jump your bones and THEN it's okay. Sheesh._

**Bella:** When will it happen for you?

**Jacob:** Never.

**Bella:** Really, Jacob? You haven't snuck a peek at the next book at all?

**Jacob:** I don't like reading this freaking series. I just do the parodies because I've been bored out of my mind. Besides, I only see you. It drives Quil and Embry crazy.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Ummm, that will in no way be awkward when you fall in love with my day old demon baby. Damn. *checks ego-meter as it falls slightly* I thought Quil and Embry kinda wanted me. Shit, that means I'm still stuck with Mike's pervertedness.

**Jacob:** C'mon, Bella. Let's go ride our motorcycles.

**Bella:** I don't think I'm allowed… _I'd much rather ride the Rabbit._

**Jacob:** You remember last Valentine's day?

**Bella: **Of course I remember.

**Jacob:** Well, you did say you'd be my slave… _Bow down to me, wench!_

**Bella:** ?

**Jacob**: Ermm, nothing_. Not like I fantasize about that or anything. So… change of subject. _You going to let glitter boy bite you?

**Bella:** Yep.

**Jacob:** Well, *taking out piece of paper* according to the treaty, we'd have to kill you.

**Bella:** Treaty is moot. _Because all sorts of teenagers say the word moot in normal conversations._

**Jacob:** You won't be Bella anymore. _And no offense… I mean, I'd do you now, but I'm not really into sexing up some undead blood suckling thing. A half-undead blood drinking, uterus biting baby of the girl I once loved who gets married to my mortal enemy, maybe._

**Bella:** Is this goodbye?

**Jacob:** Ummm, come again?

**browniechadowes:** That's what she said.

**Bella:** Oh, Edward's going to vamptastically change me in a few weeks. Hooray!

**Jacob:** I want you to die.

**Bella:** Well, that's a wee bit on the harsh side.

At the Cullen's:

**Alice:** You look like you could use a hot shower. _Let's get you out of those clothes, my little suckling pig._

**Bella:** Ya.

In Edward's room:

**Edward:** Didn't mean to wake you.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I didn't care that I was supposed to be angry with him. My lips searched until I found his lips. *looks down at floor and picks up list_* Shit, I thought I'd lost the __Bella's an Irrevocable Chagrin Masochistic Fucktard o' Love list._

**Edward:** I think the bed is nice.

**Bella:** It's unnecessary. _Obviously, since you aren't going to ravish my teen angsty hormonal body anytime soon._

**Edward:** That's debatable.

**Bella:** Huh? Change your mind? _Oh good lord, I think I might get some ass tonight._

**Edward:** Don't be ridiculous, Bella.- Aww, c'mon, Steph, it's been two years. TWO years and two torturous parodies. And I've been a virgin for an embarrassingly long amount of time. This really sucks old vampire balls.

**Stephenie:** But it's romantic. Every girl wants to wait until their wedding night. And then they can have crazy pillow ripping bed killing sex.

**Bella:** But girls don't want that… ummm, what about trying it out before you buy it?

**Stephenie:** I will rope off your drinking privileges if you guys fight me anymore. I swear. *holds bazooka up to wet bar*

**Edward:** *hiding sexual frustration behind horse carcass* It's too dangerous.

**Bella:** _Oh, can I have everyone's attention, please? I am about to say the most under-exaggerated statement of the series. *clears throat*_ I like danger.

**Edward:** _Must change subject before give into *le gasp* evil corruption before marriage._ I go a little berserk when I try to leave you.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Uh, no shit.

**Edward:** Won't happen again.

**Bella:** I went to La Push and ditched school. _Punish me, oh dominant one._

**Edward:** I know. Oh, and just as a friendly aside, I could kill Jacob if I wanted to.

**Bella:** Erm, okay? I want you to lapse in your self control with me_. Come here my little sexy ice pack. I've been practicing for awhile, and as long as there's a little water, I don't think you'll stick… *disturbing flashback to A Christmas Story*_

**Edward:** Goodnight, Bella.- Damn, you, Stephenie. You're the reason I have as much experience as a macaroni painting, glue eating 7th grader.

**Bella:** Oh, I wanted to ask you. Umm, lots of female Vamptastic!Sluts in Denali…

**Edward:** Yes? _Oh shit. Well, okay, we'd had a little too much vodka that night…. Don't exactly remember…_

**Bella:** Which one?

**Edward:** Tanya. _The hot sexy blonde. Perfect figure. Golden eyes. *looks down* Oh shit think werewolves, pizza, Carlisle doing Esme, Bella's man toes… ah better. _Not at all my type. Hmm… must distract her. *sings creepy night of the dead Dracula lullaby*


	9. This Chapter Sucks

**This Chapter Sucks… It's Super Bear's Fault**

**Charlie:** Aren't you going to call Jacob_? I still am feeling his sexual frustration… a.k.a. you haven't made me dinner in a long time._

**Bella:** Nope.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Shit. Where did my pillow go? And my red shirt… and my pair of dirty underwear…

**Edward:** Argh, vampire scent. Give me two seconds. Don't move.

**Alice's inner monologue**: Thank God me and Mike sprayed ourselves down with perfume before rooting through her underwear drawer. Otherwise we'd be in deep shit right now.

**Bella:** *puckers her lips*

**Edward:** *runs past lips into her room* Someone's been here. One of us.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh crap. I thought I was dreaming when Alice came in telling me that jelly was all the rage in sensual fantasies…

**Edward:** Let's go talk to Alice.

**Bella:** _I thought he couldn't read minds…_ You thinks she saw something? _Brilliant save._

**Edward:** Maybe.

**Alice: **You have me watching crazy old as balls vampires, super sexy bitch redheaded vampire, and Bella. Anything else? *wipes forehead* Thank God he suspects nothing.

**Edward:** *rolls eyes* You suck as a psychic.

**Bella:** Volturi checking to see that I'm still human? Because, honestly, I'm as pissed off as they are about that whole turn-out.

**Carlisle:** Possible.

**Edward:** If you're really in danger, we'd know.

At Bella's house:

**Edward:** You won't be alone for a second.

**Bella:** Great… that's exactly what I wanted. Zero freedom. Woo hoo.

**Charlie:** Jacob called.

**Bella:** Fact or fiction?

**Charlie:** Don't be petty, Bella. _He's still pretty damn sexually frustrated._

In Bella's room:

**Bella:** I'm gonna let Jacob off the hook. _Because, basically, there would be no plot with just us two making google eyes at each other, especially since the title of this parody involves "shippiness". *_on the phone* You are forgiven.

**Jacob:** I can't believe I was such a jerk. Let me make it up to you.

**Bella:** How?

Jacob: Cliff diving, motorcycle riding, _caressing your body with whipped cream while you enjoy the vibrations of my Rabbit…_

**Bella:** Errr, talk to Edward.

**Edward:** Some crazy vampire's trying to chomp down on Bella. We're quite willing to renegotiate. Thank you. Ten minutes? Certainly.

**Bella:** ? _Again am very confused and awkward_. What was that about?

**Jacob**: A truce. We're going to pass you off like a kid on welfare in the foster system.

**Bella:** ?

**Jacob:** I tried to convince him to let you visit me. You'd be safe here_. Hehe, safe from sexy redheaded vampires but not from my inner monologue o' lust. _See you in a few.

**Bella:** You're coming?

**Jacob:** I wish. My manliness hasn't even been unwrapped since the first novel… Yeah.

**browniechadowes:** Shit, I am tipsy and this is the shortest chapter I've ever written. I'm going to have to apologize to a lot of people tomorrow. It's all your fault, Super Bear!

**Super Bear**: ?

**browniechadowes:** You got me drunk. Grrrrr.


	10. I'm Into Cold, Wet Things

**Edward:** It's okay. *hands two Tylenol to browniechadowes*

**Bella:** Ya, you weren't that bad. You should have seen me and Edward after we finished up Glitter of Doom.

**Super Bear:** I was just kidding when I said you couldn't finish off that bottle of wine…

**browniechadowes:** Urghhh, why didn't you take the computer away from me? I had to explain to everyone at my apartment about my inner fanficcing… right before I convinced myself I was a vampire and threatened to suck the blood out of one of my friends.

**Edward:** That's a little fucked up.

**browniechadowes:** *blushes* I know. Well, on with the parody?

**Bella:** If we must…

-----------------------------------------------------

**I'm Into Cold, Wet Things**

**Bella's inner monologue:** It was all very childish. Why on earth should Edward have to leave for Jacob to come over? _It's not like their immortal enemies that would rip each other's throats out at the first chance of a conflict or anything. Jeez._

**Edward:** I'll be right back *giggles and breathes all over Bella's hair*

**Bella:** What's so funny? _He'd better not be laughing at my hygiene again. I didn't even use the strawberry soap this time!_

**Jacob:** Should you leave your door unlocked like that?

**Bella:** I'm not worried about anyone deterred by a locked door. _Because apparently, once you are being stalked by a vamptastic sexy redheaded bitch, no mortal person will try to break in. *looks at Jacob* Aaahhhh, unshirted sexiness..._ Is it really impossible to wear clothes, Jacob? _Why did he have to keep the pants on?_

**Jacob:** Does my being half-naked bother you? _Oh shit, being all suave again *looks at reflection in window* Phew, no sparkles._

**Bella:** _Yes. I am all hot and bothered. _No.

**Jacob:** Where's the intruder's scent the worst?

**Bella:** My bedroom, I think.

**Jacob:** *eyes narrowed* Hmmm, that seems a little kinky. Jesus, Bella, get around the vampy undead crowd enough?

**Alice: **It wasn't me!

**Jacob:** ?

**Alice: **Just saying… erm… nevermind. *pretends to see more premonitions of redheaded bitch*

**Jacob:** Your room reeks. _I mean, it smells like a fish died while fornicating with a bean burrito. All sorts of gross._

**Bella:** I'll buy some air freshener.

**Jacob:** What's it like having a vampire for a boyfriend? Never creeps you out?

**Bella:** Nopers. I'm into cold, wet things.

**Jacob:** No you're not. You said in the first book that you don't like cold, wet things.

**Bella:** I have no idea what you're talking about, sir.

**Jacob:** Ooookay, well, do you kiss him? _Not that I am going to picture you two getting it on while I stroke myself in my Rabbit or anything… ya._

**Bella:** Yep. _But that's about it. No tongue, no second base, no "let's play the strokey touchy game", but he does lick my jaw sometimes. That's pretty cool._

**Jacob:** OW! Damn it, Stephenie! Really? I cut myself with a fucking knife? This blows.

**Stephenie:** Come on, Jacob. It's just a little blood.

**Jacob:** *glares mutinously at Stephenie* I'm fine.

**Bella:** I'm going to throw a fit over taking you to the hospital. So there.

**Jacob:** *mock horror face* Please, not a fit!

**browniechadowes:** Hey, Stephenie, you stole that one from my inner funny. Bitch.

**Stephenie:** Nope. I just have an inner sense of hilarity that everyone seems so unaware of.

**browniechadowes:** Suuuure.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh shit. Blood. Must clean every surface of house. *begins to clean between her own toes*

**Jacob:** You have OCD?

**Bella:** We're a bit sensitive to blood around here**. **_Durr, am dating a vampire. It's sad when you're acting slower than me in the whole brain department_.

**Jacob:** What's it like having a werewolf for a best friend?

**Bella:** When the werewolf's being nice, it's the best. _Completely platonic though, no matter how naked you are… well, maybe… no… maybe?_

**browniechadowes:** *looking at shippers trying to climb out of the pit* No way, guys, back in the pit. If you're good I'll give you some Mike Newton to ship your little hearts out with…

**Jacob:** *hugging Bella* Your hair stinks worse than your room. _Eeesh, think I'm gonna be sick. She smells like a queefing bean burrito._

**Bella:** Sorry. _I swear I didn't even use the damn shampoo this time…_ I only smell bad to you, Jake.

**Edward:** *looks at Bella* Keep telling yourself that, my little blood filled bon bon.

**Jacob:** Come to La Push for a bonfire?

**Bella: **I'll ask.

**Jacob:** I saw this story on the news about controlling, abusive teenage relationships.

**Bella:** I saw that one, too. It's so sad how some girls just let their boyfriend dictate everything that they do… like seeing their friends, ending the relationship because they think it's for the best, not wanting her to drive. I don't know how they can live with themselves.

**Jacob:** ? God I give up. Subtlety is completely lost on you, isn't it?

**Bella:** What is this subtlety you speak of?

**Jacob:** *rolls eyes* Bye, Bells.

**Edward:** Why did you stab Jacob? Not that I object. _And it doesn't turn me on in any way… you stabbing Jacob in a throe of passion, lapping up the blood as he lays on the ground bleeding…_

**Bella:** _Ew._ I didn't stab him_. Stephenie did._

**Edward:** That's not as fun as I imagined it. _Way to ruin a fantasy, Steph._ By the way, you got into Dartmouth.

**Bella:** I may not be Dartmouth material, but I'm not stupid enough to believe you didn't do anything.

**Edward:** Ah yes you are, my sweet. *dazzle dazzle dazzle*

**Bella:** Could you ask Alice what she did with my stuff when she cleaned my room?

**Edward:** Alice cleaned your room?

**Alice:** No! I have never been in Bella's room creepily watching her as she sleeps while pouring honey on myself for Super Bear to lick off…

**Bella:** *ignoring Alice* I guess that's what she was doing.

**Edward**: I don't think Alice took anything.

**Alice:** That's right, bitches. *hides Bella's dirty underwear behind her back*

**Edward:** Hmm, let's look at this. Someone went into your room creeping around. Your stuff goes missing at the same time. Who do you think took it?

**Bella:** Alice?

**Edward:** Ugghhh, no…

**Bella:** Mike?

**Edward:** No.

**Bella:** You?

**Edward:** NO.

**Bella:** Ohhh, the visitor.

**Edward:** _Well at least we got there in the end._ Yes, Bella, the visitor. By the way, you have something you want to ask me?

**Bella:** Uhhh.

**Edward:** Would you like to go? You don't have to ask my permission. I'm not your father- thank heaven for that.

**Bella:** Yes, thank heaven for that. _I would have to add incest to my growing list of sexual discrepancies. I already have statutory rape and necrophilia down. _

**Edward:** I am going to be reasonable and trust your judgment. _Aww, Steph, that's not fun at all. That's not dominating whatsoever. Bo-ring._

**Stephenie:** Don't you worry, my sweet. Just wait until the honeymoon *winks ever so lustfully at Edward*

**Bella:** _Wow. I am slightly lost. I get to form my own opinions and make my own choices. I don't think I'm ready for this. *looks at SuperVampire!motorcycle*_ What is that?

**Edward:** I thought I could ride with you, if you wished.

**Bella:** It wouldn't be fun for you.

**Edward:** Yes it would.

**Bella:** If you thought I was going too fast, what would you do?

**Edward:** Slap the motorcycle like I did with that little bitch who almost ran over you on her tricycle when we visited your mom.

**Bella:** Ya, point made.

**Edward:** This is something you do with Jacob. I see that now.

**Jacob:** *gives Edward a wet willie* That's right, you arrogant glittery asshole.

**Edward:** I want you to wear a helmet and big puffy jacket so you don't kill yourself.

**Bella:** *puts on helmet and jacket, looking like the Michelin tire guy* I look stupid.

**Edward:** Aw, Steph, do I really have to say this? I mean, she looks like my uncle Alfred, and he's been tipping the scale at 300 pounds for a few years now.

**Stephenie:** It's cute and boyfriendish and… gah, just do it, Edward.

**Edward:** You look… sexy. Goodbye. I do like the jacket. *tries in vain to conceal panic look* _What? I am so not panicking over the fact that I'm letting my girlfriend go hang out with a half naked man wolf. No competition there. I am very confident and self-assured… is he sexier than me?_

**Jacob:** *tight hugs Bella while groping her ass*

**Bella:** Cut it out, Jake!_ I feel violated._ Don't push your luck.

**Jacob:** _I'd like to push more than my luck…_ Bella, you can't push what you don't have. _But I can try…_

-----------------------------------------------------

browniechadowes: Okay, all. My sister's birthday was yesterday, so I wasn't able to update. But never fear, everyone was well behaved, and Aro only molested three characters… so I call that a victory.


	11. Boring Ass Stories

1**Boring Ass Stories**

**Paul: **Gimme your hotdog.

**Jacob: **I think I can force it down. I won't enjoy it at all, though.

**Paul: **That's what she said. And gimme it.

**Embry: **Hey, vampire girl!

**Bella's inner monologue: **_Very clever. Never heard that one before. I am now going to monologue about how I feel sorry for everyone in the bon fire circle. _Widow!Sue is part of La Push's secret society, Leah has to look at Sam and Emily making sexy google faces at each other, Seth has grown and is doomed to wolfiness. Kim is plain as balls. But wait... her skin is russet velvet, her lips a perfect double curve, her teeth so white, her eyelashes so long...*clears throat* Stephenie, really, the shippiness in this book is craptastic. Am I going to come on to Kim now?

**Stephenie: **Again, I fail to see what you're talking about, Bella. And unless you want me to murder another bagel, I suggest you go right along with the manuscript.

**Jacob: ***ignoring Bella's lusty creepy stare at Kim* Storytime!

**Bella: **?

**Jacob**: I know, I know. It has barely anything to do with the plot and is boring as you and Edward staring at each other with buttery goop eyes.

**Billie: **Kaheleha is the spirit warrior. *in stereotypical Native American voice* He caught many fish. Dogs and bats, many dogs and bats.

**browniechadowes: **Aha! Thought we'd get to bats sometime in the series.

**Billie:** Dogs and bats won. Last great Spirit Chief, Taha Aki.

**Bella: **More like Terribly Yucky. This story's bo-ring.

**Stephenie: ***tazes Bella*

**Billie: **Utlapa was exiled like Survivor, but opened a can of whoop-ass on Taha Aki. Taha Aki pulled a Voldemort and left his body. Then he possessed a wolf. Voila, werewolf was born.

**Jacob: **Ya, really doesn't have anything to further the story with.

**Billie**: I am now going to talk about the third wife. Disclaimer: Do not be presumptuous enough to compare yourself to the third wife, even if an army of evil baby vampires are about to chomp down on you.

**Bella: ***staring at fire not paying attention* Pretty fire. Wonder how it got so big...

**Billie: **Taha Aki became an old man. His oldest wolf-son, Taha Wi, went to find the bastards who stole some tribal women.

**Jacob: ***corner of mouth twitching with humor* Hehe, he said Wee.

**Billie: **More women were stolen. Yaha Uta, Taka Aki's oldest son of his third wife, came back. She described white blood drinking people.

**Bella: **Vampires? Where? *looks around with eyes of luuuurve*

**Jacob: ***rolls eyes*

**Billie: **Yaha Uta ripped apart the vamp and set him on fire. Taha Aki took a bag with vampire bits in it and tied it around his neck.

**Billie: ***pulls out bag*

**Bella's inner monologue: **Urrggghh. Alright, and I thought Edward and Jacob could be creepy...

**Billie: **Cold woman goes Chuck Norris on the Quileute's asses. The third wife, who shall remain nameless as she is a woman, grabbed a knife and killed herself. Cold Woman was surprised.

**Cold Woman: ***pops into scene* Well, no shit. It was pretty damn stupid of her. She probably could have just cut her arm or something...

**Bella: **Cut your arm, you say? Hmmm, storing that for later.

**Billie: **Many years, no more Cold Ones. Then the treaty was made with Ephraim Black and the yellow-eyed ones. Now we can carry the burden of their fathers before them.

**Quil: **Burden? It's cool.

**Leah: ***le sob*

**Jacob: **C'mon, Bells. We're here.

**Bella's inner monologue: **How did I get in Jacob's car? Oh no, should have listened to that after school special. I know I shouldn't have drank that cool-aid. It tasted a little funky.

**Jacob: **You went all comatose from those boring ass stories that had nothing to do with the plot whatsoever.

**Bella: **, thanks for inviting me tonight.

**Jacob: **Sleep tight. I'll be watching you tonight. Mmmmm, yes, my little chew toy.

**Bella's inner monologue: **You don't have to._ Does everyone watch me sleep? I seriously need to stop doing that thing with the tomato soup if people are looking in..._

**Edward:** Let's get you home and in bed.

Bella's room: 

**Bella: **Is Jacob out there? It's cold and wet.

**Edward: **You really should stop changing your mind about the whole cold and wet thing.

**Dream!Bella's inner monologue: **Rosalie was trying to munch on a little bit of Billy Black like a homeless kid to a Whopper. I held a long, sharp blade, crusted in dried, blackened blood. AARRGGGHHH!

**Bella: **What were you reading?

**Edward: ***Stows away Mature Milf Magazine* Uhhh...Wuthering Heights?

The Next Morning:

**WutheringHeights: **The moment her regard ceased, I would have torn his heart out, and drank his blood!

**Bella's inner monologue: **Erm, I'm guessing that in no way pertains to Edward's feelings about Jacob at all. Hell, at least we're done with the shitty Romeo and Juliet analogies.


	12. Merry Christmas! I Am Evil Baby Vampire

**Merry Christmas! I Am an Evil Baby Vampire**

**Alice: **I did foresee that you would be more difficult if I surprised you. _Thanks, Edward, for ruining my fail proof plan. Aro told me about this one time that he tried to surprise Marcus with jelly and a banana..._

**Edward: ***tries to elbow Alice*

**Alice: **Fine! _Jesus, Edward, possessive much? *_hands banana back to Mike* We're having a graduation party.

**Bella**: I'll be there and I shall hate it.

**Alice: **By the way, I love my gift. You shouldn't have. _Sure, I would have preferred one of our slumber parties with me hovering ever so sneakily above you as you sleep..._

**Bella: **Erm...

**Edward:** You are tiny and annoying.

**Bella:** You could have waited a few weeks to tell me.

**Alice:** Umm, Bella, graduation's in a week.

**Bella:** _Note to self. After prom, should have stopped being a dumbass and start to read the big black signs posted all around the school._ It's the fourth? How did that happen?

**Edward: **Well you see, Bella, the Earth rotates around the sun in what we like to call a "day". And after these said "days" happen, time moves _forward_.

**Stephenie: **Uhh uhhh, Edward, not so snarky. You still have to be charming and debonair.

**Edward: **But it's just so easy... I mean, some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth...

**Stephenie: ***glare*

**Edward: **Jesus H. Christ. Okay, okay.

**Bella's inner monologue**: Hmmm, how to say goodbye to Charlie and Renee... oh and Jacob? Sorry, family, but I am in lurrve and would much rather spend an eternity with my blood licking undead boyfriend than be a part of your lives anymore? Meh, maybe I'll just send it with my Christmas card or something. Merry Christmas! I am an evil baby vampire, and Happy New Year! Perfect.

**Edward**: Tell me what you're thinking. Your lips are white.

**Bella: **_So are yours_. I'm not sure what to tell Charlie...

**Edward: **You're not ready. You will have a choice.

**Bella: **Choice made. I choose curtain number 2.

**Edward: **Nothing to worry about, my delectible puff pastry.

**Bella: **Nothing but impending doom. _Ah, damn, for a second I thought I was seeing reason, but no I am just a little ball of irony. _You don't want me to be a vampire.

**Edward: **Not a question.

**Bella: **But, why?

**Edward: **Because, quite frankly, the idea of spending an eternity with your stumblefuck self has me slightly scared out of my oh so much more intelligent mind.

**Bella: **?

**Edward: **_Ughh, coat me with sugar and call me a gummy bear. _I'm too selfish to want you for an eternity.

**Bella: **So you're not afraid you won't like me if I don't smell the same?

**Edward: **_Honestly, you could do with a shower. _You don't want to be my wife.

**Bella: **Not a question. Because only whores that get knocked up by their meth-dealing trailer park living boyfriends get married this young.

**Edward**: But I am not a meth-dealing trailer park living boyfriend. If I had met you in 1918 I would have gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand. *dazzle dazzle dazzle*

**Bella: **Damnit, quit dazzling me.

**Edward: **You don't have to say yes or no today, Bella, but if you want me to change you myself...

**Bella's inner monologue: **Ummm, you couldn't just do that out of the love that you supposedly feel for me, but instead would rather blackmail me into becoming your version of the Corpse Bride? That's healthy.

A few days later:  


**Bella's inner monologue: **SEATTLE TERRORIZED BY SLAYINGS: Hmmm, burned bodies, all taken from active community venues, all at night. Arghh! It's the evil baby vampires!

**Bella: **Have you seen this?

**Edward: **We're going to have to do something. Alice can't see worth shit, so we'll have to do it blind. Care to skip school?

**Bella: **Why?

**Edward: **I want to talk to Jasper.

**Bella: **Uhhh, couldn't we do that without skipping school? He kinda lives with you.

At the Cullen's:

**Emmett: **Hey, Edward. Ditching, Bella?

**Bella: **Edward is not ditching me! He will never leave my side! EVER!

**Emmett: **Uh, ditching _school._

**Bella: **Oh.

**Edward: **They're considering a serial killer now.

**Carlisle: **They've had two specialists on CNN all morning.

**Bella: **Interesting, you struck me as a Fox News sort of guy, what with the whole uuber religious thing...

**Emmett: **Let's go now! _Sweeeeet. Gonna get to fight. This rocks!_

**Jasper's inner monologue: **Can I tell my wicked baby vamptastic story? Everyone else has gotten to monologue. I mean, Esme went off about jumping off a cliff and dead babies, Rosalie got her whole "I was violated by my fiancee" thing, even freaking Billie got to monologue his ass off with those stupid ass stories.

**Edward: ***reading Jasper's mind* I didn't think of that. I see.

**Bella: **Errr, ?

**Edward: **You're confused.

**Emmett:** She's always confused.

**Jasper: **Bella should understand this. She's one of us now.

**Bella: **Well, not technically. I mean, until one of your guys' balls drop enough for you to bite the crap out of me, I'm pretty much staying a fucktard lump o' strawberry scented human.

**Jasper: **How much do you know about me, Bella?

**Bella's inner monologue: **Ummm, you aren't fond of Harriet Tubman, you like to steal crosses out of my room and burn them, and you are conflicted at the fact that you can't go emo and cut your wrists in a corner due to your super vampire skin?

**Emmett: **Jesus Christ. Yet another "this is my horrible past" story... that probably won't weigh on the plot at all. Fun shit. Want some more honey, Super Bear?

**Super Bear: **If I'm going to have to listen to more of this monologueing crap, then yes.

**Bella: **Jasper, you have a scar like mine. _We're twinkies! *holds hand up for high five*_

**Jasper: ***ignoring Bella's hand and ripping off his shirt* I have lots of scars like yours, Bella.

**Bella: **Jasper, what happened to you? _Errrm, not to sexy, man. You look like ringworm went apeshit on your ass. I'd put that shirt back on before you contaminate something. _

**Mike:** *from the bottom of the pit* Did Bella say ass?


	13. Vamptastic Jasper

**browniechadowes: **Alright, all, get your butts out of that pit... and for God's sake, Mike, can you at least try to keep your cool whip sticky hands to yourself? I promised kinolaughs that you would stay away from her, and I would hate to have to talk to Stephenie about deleting you. Here *passing around shots*. Just drink up and behave yourselves.

**Mike: ***grumbling* Don't see why I have to listen to the story.

**Edward: **If all of us have to go through the annoyingly unimportant rambling that is Stephenie Meyer's chapter, you do too.

**browniechadowes: ***slapping Aro* That goes for you as well.

**Aro: ***mouth full of marshmallows* Urghfdt.

**Jasper: **Why does no one want to listen to my story?

**Bella: ***takes knife out of Jasper's hand* _Hmmm, this may come in handy. _Continue.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Vamptastic!Jasper**

**Jasper:** *clears throat* A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

**Edward:** Cute, Jasper, just get on with it. *pours another shot*

**Jasper: **Alright, Jesus, since no one seems slightly interested I'll keep it short.

**Stephenie:** Not too short! You and your friends have mutilated my series quite enough. *cries onto Caius' shoulder*

**Jasper: **Anyways. The north is civilized, the south is full of rampant vampires. The south likes to fight over control of human blood. Cue Benito. Benito created SuperNewborn!Vampire army and took out the rest of the vampires in Dallas, like a crazy undead Zorro. The Mexi!Vamps got worried and made armies for themselves. The Volturi...

**Aro: **Me? Oh, joy and teacakes! What a lovely story! Bon bon's anyone? A little more champagne?

**Jasper: ***clears throat* The Volturi cleaned house.

**Bella:** *shudder* Urgh, jager bombs tingle my belly.

**Jasper: **The wars resumed, and the Volturi let it continue as long as they were careful.

**Bella:** Thas how yous were changed *hic*

**Jasper: **_God, lightweight_. Yes. I was almost 17 when I joined the Confederate Army. I was promoted to the youngest major in Texas.

**Super Bear:** Well, that explains alot. Beer bong, Emmett?

**Emmett:** Woooo hoooo!

**Jasper: **Ermm... Then one night I met three beautiful women. I figured they were working girls, and let's face it, after spending a few years with the army a guy can get a little lonely...

**Maria: **Young, strong, an officer... He's... compelling.

**Nettie: **Oh, yes. _Hehe, compelling just has to be a euphemism. _

**Lucy: **You'd better do him... er, it, Maria. I kill them twice as often as I keep them.

**Jasper: **Yes please? _Oh, God, I felt lucky. Whip my back and call me Master._

**Maria: **Take Nettie away. I don't want to protect my back while I'm trying to fuck.

**Lucy: **?

**Maria: **Erm, focus.

**Jasper:** I'd never been superstitious in my life. I'd never believed in ghosts. Suddenly, I was unsure. _I mean, there have to be some laws against that... _

**Maria: **I truly hope you survive, Jasper. *goes in for a kiss as Jasper dodges* Ah, crap, Jasper. Why the fuck did you move? *seeing that she'd bitten him in the throat* Shit, what does an undead person have to do to get a little action?

**Edward: ***slurring* Waid til you marries them, take 'em to your mom's room, and lather 'em in feathers.

**Jasper: **Dude. My story. My time. I'm sure there will be plenty of kinky sexy time for you in the next parody. Anyway, after becoming Vamptastic!Jasper, I was put in charge of the newborn army. We gained control of Monterey. A few decades later I became friends with Vamptastic!Peter. I walked in on Peter and Charlotte getting it on, and, well, being sexually deprived as Maria was more interested in slaughtering newborns working late hours while I kept a tidy house, I asked if they needed an extra hand... Peter and Charlotte didn't respond too well, and they went skipping off into the sunset without me. But five years later Peter came back for me.

**browniechadowes: **Nope. Jasper, I know everyone thinks your story is just about as boring as a Quileute woman stabbing herself in the chest, but that gives you no leniancy to ship a threesome. Not on my watch.

**Jasper: **Ughh, alright. But look at them. They're not even paying attention to me. *watches as Mike tries to spray whipped cream on Bella's ass*

**browniechadowes: **Sorry, Jasp, it was the only way they'd listen. Now, go on.

**Jasper: ***very lackluster* So, I break away from Peter and Charlotte since I can't ship a kinky threesome, becoming Depressed!Jasper. I wonder around until I pop into a random diner... because the best place to meet other vampires is in a diner full of human food nastiness that would never appeal to me, and she was there.

**Bella: **Who? Who? Who was there? Wassit Jessica?

**Jasper: **?

**Bella: **Uhh, don' tell me. Don' tell me. Erm, redheaded sexy bitch?

**Jasper: **God, Bella, just sit down.

**Alice: **Wassit Maria?

**Jasper: ***looking incredulously* Ummm, she said "You've kept me waiting a long time"

**Alice: **Oh, I's 'member. It was me! You said "Sorry, ma'am"

**Jasper: **Well we went to meet Carlisle and his family. And Alice freaked them out when she knew everything about them.

**Alice**: I am not a stalker! I jus' like watching people sleep. *shoves Bella's dirty underwear deep into her back pocket*

**Edward**: An you took my room, you whore.

**Alice: **It was tha best room.

**Bella: **Tha's a beautiful story.

**Carlisle: **Well, since everyone else is inebriated, I might as well point out the fact that we have to take down the newborns before the Volturi come to vampify Bella.

**Bella: **Tha's nice. Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rose, Esme, Carlisle... Edward- the faces of my family.

**browniechadowes: **Well, I'm sorry Jasper. Everyone's pretty much tanked. Wanna join in?

**Jasper: ***looks at scene: Edward is trying to play find the ice cube with Bella's body, Mike looks like the abominable snowman as he is completely covered in whipped cream trying unsuccessfully to touch kinolaughs, Emmett and Super Bear have moved on to keg stands, Alice is trying to get in on IceCube!Bella game, Esme and Carlisle have fled for dear life, and Aro is trying to shove cream puffs in everyone's mouths.* Ummm *takes Kentucky Whiskey* I'll just go sit in my room and think about death.


	14. Bella Gets Face Raped

**Bella Gets Face Raped**

**Bella:** You've completely lost your mind!

**Alice:** _Says the pot calling the kettle black. _The party is still on.

**Bella:** Alice!

**Alice: **_Mmmm, delicious how she says my name. _This is a once-in-a-lifetime shot. Besides, Jasper has to teach us a few courses on newborn elimination. _I sound like a slightly scary dictator, and it feels good._

**Bella:** You're looking for help... Vampify me!

**Alice:** That wouldn't be helpful.

Later:

**Bella's inner monologue**: I stretched on my tiptoes to kiss him. He lifted me onto the kitchen counter.

**Edward's inner monologue:** Yes, yes, yes. Tell me this is gonna happen. Kitchen counters are so hot. Thanks Ste- Oh, shit.

**Bella's inner monologue:** He pulled away.

**Edward: **I know you think I have some perfect self-control, but that's not the case. _Ummm, Stephenie, then why again haven't we done the whole put the pole in the hole thing yet?_

**Stephenie: **Because you're afraid that by deflowering her you will damn her to the fiery pit of hell.

**Edward:** Riiiight.

**Bella:** I haven't been to La Push since the bonfire. _If he wasn't going to give me any loving, I'd just have to make a date with the Rabbit._

**Edward: **Alright. I've got to hunt. Looking for big game. Makes us stronger.

**Bella: **How strong will I be? Stronger than Emmett?

**Edward**: Yep.

**Orchestra**: *strikes up superhero theme song*

**Bella: ***humming to self* Here I come, Super!Bella, ready to suck some blood and sex up my Edward.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Final exams were approaching. I had to cram, and cram hard.

**browniechadowes: **That's what she said.

**Bella's inner monologue**: Edward was an excellent tutor- since he knew absolutely everything.

**Emmett: **Well, not everything. I mean, he is an over 100 year old virgin... I doubt he can even spell clito-

**Stephenie: ***clears throat* Emmett, there are no clitori in my series. This is a clean and wholesome book.

**Emmett: **Ya, sure. I have a copy of Breaking Dawn, and there is some serious stainage on a few of the pages... I had to wash my hands after reading Chapter 5.

On the way to Jacob's:

**Edward: **How did you do on your exams?

**Bella: **I failed. _Seriously? Do you ever see me studying at any time?_

**Edward: **I could bribe Mr. Varner to give you an A.

**Bella: **_Arghhh. Just got horrifying picture of Edward dressed in a G-string swiveling a tomato soup lathered loofa in front of Mr. Varner's mouth_. Er, thanks, but no thanks.

**Bella: ***watching Edward's pissy face*What's wrong? You're not listening to Jacob, are you?

**Jacob's inner monologue: **Bah ha! This is golden *clicks through Bella/Jacob Mature rated fan fiction* Mmmm, ya, pin her up to the stump...

**Edward: **He's shouting.

**Bella: **What's he shouting?

**Edward: **I'm sure he'll mention it. _Ughh, am going to kill all the fanficcers. I'm not even going to drink them, just steal Stephenie's bazooka and POW_.

**Jacob: ***looking at computer screen* Heh, balls.

**Bella: **?

**Jacob: **Er, hey Bells.

**Bella: **You're like a zombie.

**Jacob: **_Ummm, I've been spending my nights creeping around your house and watching you sleep. Me and Alice have it kind of down to a science... Once Edward pulls out his magazine and preoccupies himself, it's fair game. _I've been running double shifts.

**Bella: **Jake! You need to sleep. I'll be fine.

**Jacob: **_You _are_ fine. _Did you find out who was in your room?

**Bella: **No.

**Jacob: **_Phew... I thought I was busted. Alice kinda caught me rooting around Bella's underwear drawer... hmmm, she's been pretty quiet about the whole thing, too._ Then I'll be around.

**Bella**: *whining* Jake...

**Jacob: **I'm your slave for life. _Tie me up and tell me I'm a bad dog._

**Bella**: *ignoring lusty sex stare* I don't want a slave. _Hello, throughout this whole series I've been pretty clear about being the masochist... like I would ever dominate over anyone_.

**Jacob: **What _do_ you want, Bella?

**Bella: **I want my friend Jacob.

**Jacob's inner monologue: **Omfh. I'm sorry. The correct answer we were looking for is to make crazy beastial love to your werewolf friend.

**Bella: **I have to go to a graduation party. Consider yourself invited.

**Jacob:** Sure, sure. That would be... _craptastic? Sexually frustrating watching Edward sparklefuck breathing all over you? _wise.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Jacob was snoring. Jacob was snorting. Jacob was, holy-

ugghh, Steph, not again. I thought we were done with this shitty crow business.

**Stephenie:** No. No swearing. No clitori. And for heaven's sake no premarital loving.

**Bella's inner monologue**: Ughh, Holy crow, Jacob was heavy. And hot.

**browniechadowes:** *beating the stampede of shippers back down into the pit*

**Jacob: **Oh, man! Did I fall asleep. I'm sorry! _Shit, but that was a good dream... mmmm Jell-o._

**Bella: **I'm glad you got some sleep.

**Jacob:** I wanted to talk to you. I can't believe this. _Way to go, me. Strike evil schemer off of my "Jacob's kick ass list"._

**Bella: **Talk to me now.

**Jacob:** *russet blushing* I'm- Goddamnit, Stephenie, I'm not supposed to be the mushy lurve-type character. *shudders* I'm in love with you Bella. Bella, I love you. Pick me.

**browniechadowes: ***punches Stephenie in the tooth* Fuck, Stephenie. You have let the shippers out. *watches as the triangle of shippiness is born*

**Jacob:** You love me, too.

**Bella:** You're impossible. _Ummm, earth to Jacob. Read the freaking series. I am goo goo eyed in lurrve with my undead piece of man flesh._

**Jacob:** I'll be here-fighting. You have options.

**Bella:** N-

**Jacob: ***commences in the rape-age of Bella's face*

**Bella: ***screams in manner of Super!Ninja* _HHHHHHheeeyaaa! Socker punch to the face! Ow... fuck, that didn't happen the way I wanted it to. _You broke my hand!

**Jacob: **You broke your hand.

**Bella: **I can't wait to see what Edward does to you! I hate you, Jacob Black. _Grrrrrr. My second base cherry has been popped._

**Jacob: **Hate is passion.

**Bella: **Blah, I will murder you.

**Jacob: **I'll be thinking about you tonight while you're thinking about me. _Mmmm hmmm._

**Bella: **Nightmare.

**Jacob: **You kissed me back. _Haha, take that for your Jedi mind tricks, Edward._

**Bella: **I was trying to get you the hell off of me. _And I will in no way ever kiss you back ever, as long as I live. *checks through manuscript to make sure* Oh holy fuck._

**Jacob: **Next time you hit me, use a baseball bat. _What? So I'm kinda into those things. Don't judge._

At Bella's house:

**Charlie: **What's wrong with her?

**Jacob: **Broke her hand. She hit me.

**Charlie: **_Oh tee hee hee. _Why did she hit you?

**Jacob: **Because I kissed her.

**Charlie**: I dunno, Stephenie, I'm usually not vocal at all, but this seems a little wrong.

**Stephenie: **It's cute banter.*tosses Charlie a Team Jacob shirt*

**Charlie: **_Okay, I am going to step out into the world as the biggest asshole of a father there possibly can be. _Good for you, kid. _Way to rape my only child's face and then break her fist._

**Bella: ***on the phone* Come and get me. I have a broken hand, I punched Jacob, and he raped my tongue. It's feeling very vulnerable right now, and it might need some counseling.

**Edward**: _Jesus, is everyone in this damn series getting more from Bella than me? This royally blows. _I'm around the corner.

**Charlie: **You should pick on people your own size._ Serve you right to try to defend yourself from a sexual attack. Silly, stupid prudish child o' mine._

**Bella: **Arrest me, Dad. I threw the punch.

**Charlie: **Enough, Bella.

**Edward: **I'm not going to kill you now, because it would upset Bella. _And I am ever so slightly scared of the Team Jacob shippers who seem to be circling around me with blow torches. _But if you ever bring her back damaged, you will be running with three legs. And if you ever kiss her, I will break your jaw.

**Jacob: ***peeking at later chapters* What if she wants me to?

**Edward: **If that's what she wants, then I won't object.

**FutureSequel!Jacob: ***high fives Jacob* God, we rule. We should take advantage of best friends more often...

**Edward: **I'll be fighting for her, too. I won't fight fair.

**Jacob: **Me neither, un-man.

**Edward: **pup

**Bella: **Lame, lame insults. Jesus, guys, that was hard to even stand through. I am embarrassed for the both of you.

At the Cullen's:

**Emmett: **Fall down again, Bella? _Jesus, and the stumblefuck award goes to_

**Orchestra**: *drumrolls*

**Emmett: **_Bella Swan!_

**Bella: **I punched a werewolf in the face.

**IrateEmmett: **What?!? *slaps Stephenie* Three freaking novels, three... and retarded stumbling Bella gets to fight with someone? I am royally peeved.

**Edward: **By the way, Rosalie and Jasper think you'll kill lots of people when you become Vamptastic!Bella.

**Bella: **I guys I could throw in a few extra homicides. Why not?

**Edward: **Don't worry.

**Bella's inner monologue**: Hmmm, all this talk of newborn vampires makes me horny. Wonder if Edward will let me sex him up before I am changed into EvilBabyVampire!Bella?

**Edward: **God, let's hope so. Someone besides Renee and Phil need to be getting some in this series.


	15. God, We Are Idiots

**browniechadowes:** Oh holy fuck. That is really annoying. Stupid, stupid technology.

**Edward:** What now?

**browniechadowes:** Umm my zip drive just deleted the past four chapters…

**Edward:** God, so we have to go through all of that again?

**browniechadowes:** Sorry, guys. I don't know what happened… *looks at Stephenie* Why so quiet, Steph?

**Stephenie:** No reason! Continue. *burns zip drive in a bonfire of hate*

**browniechadowes: ***rolls eyes and hides other files*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**God, We Are Idiots**

**Bella:** I have nothing to wear! Stupid, thieving, annoying vampire!

**Alice:** What did I do? _Oh, shit. I knew I should have returned those underwear… Erm,_ I thought you might need something to wear.

**Bella:** Thanks. *lightbulb* The one who broke in and stole my things, and the new vampires in Seattle are together_!- Wait, hadn't we all already come to that conclusion? *flips through manuscript* No? Well that's just retarded._

**Alice**_**:**__ Holy crap. Bella came up with an epiphany? Wait… I thought we all knew this already. No? Damn it. Bella, have you infected us all with Trisomy 21?_ You're right. I have to go. _I should probably destroy the panty evidence before anyone wants to look into this further… *jumps out the window*_

**Edward:** You are so beautiful… *singing* to me.

**Orchestra:** *begins to strike up accompaniments*

**browniechadowes:** No, Edward. We've already had to go through you singing it once, let's not do it again.

**Charlie:** You're not my little girl anymore.

**Bella:** Don't get all weepy on me.

**Charlie:** Oh I wasn't. Just stating the obvious.

At the school:

**Mr. Varner:** Up front, Mr. Cullen.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *shivers* Urghh, still need to get that damn G-string picture out of my head.

**Jessica:** Hey, Bella! _Ahahaha, this is one of the last times that I will be able to rip you a new asshole._ Can you believe it's over? I feel like screaming! _I am going to join the massive orgy in the pit of discarded characters, leaving your sorry charlatan ass by yourself, you Chlamydia infested vaginal cream._

**Bella:** So do I…

**Jessica:** I am going to miss you so much! We really haven't spent much time together in a while and now we're all leaving… _and I still have a full ten pages of insults to throw at you with my amazing death glares, you crusted over syphilis sore._

**Mr. Greene:** *hopping out of the pit of discarded characters, trying to convince himself that all the other characters were at least 18 years old* Congratulations, Miss Swan.

**Bella:** *pulls hat off and lets it fall to the ground* _Meh, don't really give a shit about graduation, can ya tell?_ I can't believe it's all over. _Should be more excited about future proposition of becoming Vamptastic!Bella. _

**Edward:** Who are you looking for?

**Bella:** Alice. What was she thinking about to keep you out?

**Edward:** _Oh, well, this is awkward… Alice apparently has recently discovered a whole genre of Alice/Bella Mature fanfic ships thanks to Jacob, and was just about to bathe you with a loofa when… ugghh, need to stop thinking about that. Ummm,_ Korean sign language?

**Bella**: I suppose that would keep her head busy enough.

**Edward:** You have no idea.

**Bella:** Stay calm.

**Orchestra:** *drumrolls*

**Bella:** The stranger in my room and the newborns are the same!

**Edward's inner monologue:** Ummm, hadn't we already established that? *steals Bella's manuscript and flips through the pages* God, we are idiots.

**Charlie:** So where do you want to go for dinner? Sky's the limit. _As long as it's under ten dollars and is at the only restaurant in Forks._

**Bella:** I can cook.

**Charlie:** Let's go to the Lodge. _Am an amazing father. I mean, I give Bella a 60 year old truck without making her pay me back, and then I don't make her cook dinner for me as a graduation present. I rule._ You coming too, Edward?

**Emo!Edward:** No, thank you. Excuse me… _Must go brood about the fact that Bella came up with an epiphany and scheme as to find a way to put her in her place again._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I picked at my burger, stuffing pieces of it into my napkin when I was sure his attention was somewhere else. _A little manorexic tip I picked up from Edward. _

**Jessica:** *looking in window* I knew she was anorexic, stupid tape worm to my colon.

In the parking lot:

**Edward's inner monologue:** *moving creepily through the shadows, appearing out of the gloom* You would think that having a butt load of evil baby vampires on the loose after my girlfriend would make me want to act less like a blood drinking villain of the night… but I guess that is the conundrum that is Edward Cullen.

**Bella:** I should have waited to tell you. _Stupid, stupid me. Note to self: Must be punished after graduation party. Where's that knife I stole from Jasper?_

**Edward:** No, I just can't believe I didn't see it! _I mean, really, we all expected it from you, but the rest of us? No wonder your ego-meter is dead on the floor. We all feel like idiotic pieces of shit._

Driving to the party:

**Charlie:** Worried about the party?

**Bella:** Yes. _I am worried about crepe paper and punch… and not at all about evil people munching vampires._ I'm glad I came to live with you, Dad.

**Charlie:** I slipped up in a few places. Look at your hand! _What the fuck did she do to it again? *flips through novel* Ooooh, right._ I never thought I needed to teach you how to throw a punch.

**Bella:** I thought you were on Jacob's side?

**Charlie:** *zipping up coat over Team Jacob tee shirt* If someone kisses you without your permission, you should be able to make your feelings clear without hurting yourself.

**Bella:** _Ermm, why didn't you say this in front of my face-rapist?_ Oh, and dear lord, do I really have to say this next line? *stifles giggles*

**browniechadowes:** Say it! Say it!

**Bella:** Pfftt. Jacob's head is _really_ hard.

**Collective!Cullens, Bella, browniechadowes, and Jacob: **That's what she said.

**Charlie:** *ignoring character outburst* Hit him in the gut next time.

**Bella: **Next time? _I don't think my tongue has recovered from last time. I like my tongue where it is… and I don't think I want it running away from me any time soon…_

**Charlie:** Aw, don't be too hard on the kid. He's young. _He deserves a little rape-age in his life, the poor thing. _

**Bella:** *looking at twinkle lights* Edward? NOOOOOO! Not the Glitter of Doom! Get out of the sun!

**Edward:** Really, Bella? There are so many things wrong with that statement. 1.) It is nighttime thus the Glitter of Doom is irrelevant. 2.) When I _am_ out in the sun, do I really look like a string of twinkle lights? And 3.) Who the fuck uses the term "twinkle lights"?

**Bella:** _Oh,_ Alice.

**Charlie:** Wow, she doesn't do things halfway, does she? _Wish she'd do me halfway… Oh no *looks at self in rear-view mirror* have become creepy pedophile father not unlike those on America's Most Wanted._


	16. Ultimate Martyrdom Plan

**Ultimate Martyrdom Plan**

**Bella's inner monologue:** *Edward kisses Bella* ARGGHH! Scary vampire kiss. Crushing lips! Not good! Mmmm, kinda like it…

**Bella:** Let's get this stupid party over with.

**Edward:** Ready to celebrate? *attempts to do the white man underbite*

**Bella:** *shudders* _Please, never do that again._ Unbelievable *looking at Cullen house a la nightclub*

**Alice:** Edward! Music. Familiar or educational? *holding up rock CD and The Encyclopedia Britannica the Unabridged Edition Audio Book*

**Edward:** Ooooh, Encyclopedia! *claps hands in delight*

**Bella**: *glares*

**Edward:** *sighs* Keep it familiar.

**Bella's inner monologue:** She had changed into a sequined tank top and red leather pants. Her bare skin reacted to the pulsing red and purple lights. I had to see what she felt like, as I moved my hand up the red leather pants to the center zipper, pulling-

**browniechadowes:** Oh Jesus. I go to have one cigarette… *hoses down Alice/Bella shippers with a fire extinguisher* Back in the pit, crazy shippers.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward refused to let me go for a second_… and that's supposed to be shocking or something?_ He hunted up Jasper and Carlisle to tell them my epiphany.

**Collective!Cullens:** God, we are idiots.

**Bella's inner monologue: ***answers door* ARGGHHH! *is trampled as all of the discarded characters stampede into the Cullen house, toting foam pit, cool whip, Jell-o, loofas, and tomato soup along.

**Edward:** Stay here. I'll be right back.

**Bella:** Hells no, bitch. Do you even see what Mike has in his hand? Scary.*immediately moving to go find Edward*

**Edward**: Seriously, what part of "stay here. I'll be right back" do you not understand? *runs away at super!vampire speed before Bella can catch up with him.

**Bella:** *looking at Samara creepy Alice eyes* What did you see?

**Alice:** _Uhhh, what? I definitely wasn't thinking about that one fanfic where I caress you so tenderly as you declare your undying lust for me. Ermm,_ I have to talk to Carlisle?

**Bella:** No, Alice, wait! *stares in fear at Mike and Aro, who have their hands full of cream puffs and are not-so-sneakily trying to stuff them in Bella's pants*

**Alice:** *runs away before fanficcers make her leap onto Bella in a passionate embrace*

**Quil:** Where're the coffins?

**Embry**: Scary, scary crypt.

**Jacob:** Friendly reception.

**Bella**: What are you doing here? *tongue tries to recede into stomach to avoid confronting rapist*

**Jacob:** You invited me. I brought you a graduation present. I made it myself. *attempts and fails at Edward!Dazzle*

**Bella:** EDWARD!!!! Jacob's trying to face-rape me again!

**Jacob:** Don't pretend like I'm not here. *puts hand on chin*

**Bella:** Keep your hands to yourself, Jacob. _Ughh, like I will ever want you too touch me again… Oh, right. Stupid tent._

**Jacob:** I guess you'd rather be with your _real _friends. I get it. *changes pity mode from dazzle to puppy-dog eyes*

**Bella:** *gives in to Stockholm Syndrome* Where's my present?

**Jacob:** Riiight. *gives Bella small bag*

Bella: That's pretty! Thanks!

**Jacob:** _Umm, how come she was the one that came up with the brilliant "it's all connected" epiphany again?_ The present is _inside_, Bella.

**Bella:** Oh. _Erghh, it's not undead vampire pieces like Billie had, is it?_ *looks at bracelet* You made this? How?

**Jacob:** You see, it's called a wood carving. You take a piece of wood, and you carve it…

**Bella:** Wow.

**Jacob:** *grins* _Note to all guys. After face-raping your best friend, whittle her a small dog figurine and she will forgive you._ You know something you're not telling me… something big.

**Bella:** Yep.

**Jacob:** Explain.

**Bella:** Alice!

**Jacob:** _Ummm, not really an explanation_. Tell us what's going on. _I mean, Jesus, if Bella stumblefuck over here gets to know everything, I think we do too._

**Alice:** *ominous tone* The decision's been made.

**Bella:** They're coming here.

**Alice:** Yeppers.

**Bella:** To Forks.

**Alice:** *rolls eyes* No, Bella. The other here. The here that is nowhere near Forks.

**Bella:** ?

**Alice:** Yes, to Forks.

**Bella:** NOOOOOO! I have to go meet them! _Brilliant, I say. Mortal!Bella against a stampede of evil baby vampires. The ultimate martyrdom. _

**Jacob:** Wait… what is coming?

**Alice:** _Me? I wish._ Lots and lots of people chomping vamptastic!fiends.

**Jacob:** It won't be easy for us. Still, this is our job more than yours.

**Bella:** Wait, wait, wait, wait. _Did no one hear my ultimate martyrdom plan? Does no one listen to me? Gah,_ you are staying out of this!

**Alice:** Bella, Together-

**Jacob:** It'll be no problem. _Awesome. Finally some fucking action in this series._

**Irate!Emmett:** And I'm not in this scene because?

**Super Bear:** Don't worry, man. Just let it ride. Honey?

**Jasper:** _War! Freaking cool. _We were planning a strategic meeting. If you're going to fight, you'll need some instruction.

**Jacob:** What time?

**Jasper:** 3 o'clock. Ten miles north of the Hoh Forest ranger station.

**Bella:** _Tee hee. Wait, is it really called Ho Forest?_ Jake! Don't do this! *full on Stockholm Syndrome taking hold of Bella* _For purely platonic reasons, of course._

**Jake:** Don't be ridiculous, Bells. _I mean, my god, if the most violence in a vampire novel is you punching me and breaking your own damn fist, you can't expect me not to be a little psyched about a full out vamptastic fight fest._

**Bella:** NOOOOOOO! *watches at chance at martyrdom dies*


	17. Tag, You're It!

**Tag, You're It!**

**Bella's inner monologue:** _I am now going to monologue about how my Ultimate Martyrdom Plan has been completely ignored. Stupid._ Horrible that the Cullens would fight for me. Not Jacob, too. They were all oversized, over-muscled children_… mmmm, Jacob's half-naked muscly body, hot dripping sweat… Arghh. Can't think about that at least *checks manuscript* for another few chapters._

**Bella:** You're taking me with you tonight.

**Edward:** _Good God, will the martyrdom never stop?_ I don't want you in the middle of it.

**Bella:** I'll call Jacob.

**Edward:** _Grrr, I will take you, but not because I am threatened by over-muscled boy, but because I lurrve you_. *tucks quilt around Bella in non-fatherly way* This is going to work, Bella. This is going to be easy. There won't be enough to do. Someone may have to sit out.

**Bella: **Piece of cake. _Riiight. Stupid evil baby vampires._

**Aro:** *popping head in, dragging Mike behind* Did someone say cake? I have a delectable recipe for a pineapple upside-down cake…

**Edward:** *hums creepy lullaby*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Mmmm, creepy lullaby. Hmmm, will now plot Ultimate Martyrdom Plan. I could force my stumblefuck bad luck on myself. I would have to bide my time…

**Bella:** *lightbulb* _Oooh oooh, epiphany numero dos._ I think it's _all_ connected. It's Victoria. I mean, I don't think it's the Vulturi. Aro's been busy trying to ram cream puffs down everyone's throats, and Caius seems pretty preoccupied with Stephenie.

**Edward:** You're very perceptive today. It's impressive_. I don't know why the hell it's taken three novels for you to actually start making sense. Either you are getting smarter, or the rest of us have lost a few too many brain cells from all the tequila shots._

At the Cullens:

**Emmett:** Hey Edward. Hey Bella. Is he going to let you practice, too? _Wooo frickin' hooo. It is about time that I got to do something besides be the comedic relief and install car stereos. It's fight time, Tyler Durton style. _

**Edward:** Don't give her any ideas.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Again with the whole ignoring of the Ultimate Martyrdom Plan. Screw you guys.

**Emmett:** *watching wolf pack* Damn. Did you ever see anything like it? Freaking cool. Check it out, Super Bear!

**Super Bear:** Meh, they're okay.

**PossessedBySam!Edward:** We will watch, but no more. That is the most we can ask of our self-control.

**Carlisle:** My son Jasper has experience in this area.

**Jasper:** *stepping away from lighting a cross and waving to the wolves* Okay, so don't let them get their arms around you, and don't go for the obvious kill. Emmett?

**Emmett:** Woot woot! Hit me in the face! I mean, just hit me!

**Jasper:** *tags Emmett* Tag, you're it!

**Collective!Wolves:** Ummm, you're going to fucking play tag? We got our asses out of bed for this?

**Jasper:** Hehehe, got you!

**Emmett: **Fuck you. Again.

**Edward: **Uh uh, my turn!

**Jasper:** Nope. Alice. Tag, you're it!

**Alice:** *dances in manner of Pussy Cat Dolls*

**Collective!Wolves:** Erm, still not seeing how this is at all instructive.

**Alice:** *jumping on Jasper* Gotcha!

**Edward:** My turn, my turn!

**Alice:** I've got my eye on you, Bella.

**Bella's inner monologue:** She whispered, her lips were at my ear. My gaze flickered to her face as I ran my fingers through-

**browniechadowes:** *runs up, taking Stephenie's bazooka, and blasts Bella/Alice shippers back into the pit*

**Alice:** It doesn't help for you to put yourself in danger *stealing Ultimate Martyrdom Plan from Bella's hands* I'll warn him if your plans get any more defined.

**Jasper:** We'll call it a draw. You see what I'm doing here? Yes, just like that. Concentrate on the sides…

**Edward:** *taking notes for future un-virginization* _What? The instructions are pretty ambiguous._ The pack wants to sniff us.

**Carlisle:** Whatever you need.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward was watching me, carefully evaluating my reaction. The enormous russet-colored wolf seemed to feel my gaze, and looked up at me with familiar black eyes.

**Wolfy!Jacob:** *lolls tongue out in wolfy grin*

**Bella:** *giggle* Hee hee. Wolf grins are knee-slappingly hi-la-rious.

**Edward's inner monologue:** Goddamnit. Really? She couldn't even be just an eensy bit afraid? Not that my manhood is challenged by Bella's slight interest in bestiality or anything…

**Bella:** Jacob?

**Wolfy!Jacob:** _No. It's the fucking King of England. Gah, why is her idiocy so damn cute? _Now pet me.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *pets Jacob* The fur was soft and rough and warm against my skin. I ran my fingers through it, learning the texture, stroking his neck where the color deepened.-

**browniechadowes:** *grabs a stick to beat off Bella/Jacob fanficcers, only to find that they are nowhere to be seen* Wait… was that description actually written? Jesus Christ, Stephenie, how the hell am I supposed to keep the rampant shipping at bay with shit like this written in?

**Stephenie:** Oh, come on now. She's just petting her friend.

**browniechadowes**: *throws stick at Stephenie's eye*

**Wolfy!Jacob:** *wolf-rapes Bella's face*

**Bella:** Gross, Jake!

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward was clearly disappointed. He'd been hoping I'd scream and run away in terror.

**Edward: **Well, no shit. I've read ahead a little bit, and I think I'm allowed to feel slightly pissy at your future scarlet woman ways.

**Wolfy!Jacob:** Heh. That part is gonna rock!

**Edward:** Ready to go?

**Wolfy!Jacob's inner monologue:** Figured out a way to fuck her yet? I could help you in that department. *winks*

**Edward:** I've not quite figured out all the details yet.

**Wolfy!Jacob's inner monologue:** You've had over 100 years to get down the general mechanics of it. It's not like you'll impregnate her with your evil spawn or anything.

**Edward:** It's more complicated than that. I'll make sure it's safe.

**Bella:** What are you talking about?

**Edward: **You taking advantage of my old-ballsy self.

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** Ermm, discussing strategy.

**Jacob:** Okay, bloodsucker. What's so complicated about it? _I mean, it's just in-out, in-out, little rub, little touch, POW, done._

**Edward:** I have to consider every possibility.

**Bella:** *confused* Are you talking about me?

**Jacob:** I just want to know what he plans to do with you.

**Bella:** Do with me? _Mmmmm, anything my little ice pop._

**Edward:** We should try to hide you before you try to do anything SuperMartyr!Bella-ish.

**Jacob:** Hey, I smell like complete rotting asshole to you, right? So let me rub up all over Bella and, voila!

**Edward:** Okay, Jacob. You're going to have to let him carry you, Bella.

**Bella:** *frowns* My tongue opposes that idea.

**Jacob:** *rolls eyes and forces Bella to straddle him* _Mmmm, yes. Hold tight, my little puppy treat._

**Bella:** You are so annoying_. I will never, ever love you. Ever._

**Alice:** Definite success.

**Jacob:** Hehe, I'll say.

**Edward:** You're going to leave a false trail, Bella. Jacob's going to carry you. I'll meet you there, and we are going to spend the night in a freezing tent wading through teenage hormones.

**Bella's inner monologue: **NOOOOO! *hurriedly stashing Ultimate Martyrdom Plan in her pocket* I felt sick. I couldn't stand having both of them in danger.

**Jasper's inner monologue:** You know, we could use her as bait… She'd be like a pile of corn bread to a runaway slave…

**Edward:** Not a chance. And I am not even going to go into how severely racist you are, Jasper.

**Jasper:** I know, I know. Old habits die hard.

**Jacob:** Okay, so while we all are camped out in the tent o' hormones, Seth's going to act as a wolfy walkie talkie.

**Edward:** Good idea. To think it's come to this, though! Trusting werewolves!

**Jacob:** Fighting with vampires.

**Edward:** *pours shots* To wolves!

**Jacob:** To vampires!

**Bella:** What about me?


	18. Bella Has Edward Whipped

**Bella Has Edward Whipped**

**Bella:** Ugh, I'm a mess.

**Edward:** _Ya, ever since you popped out the ratty tee shirt to sleep in, I haven't really had my hopes up. You've kinda let yourself go there, love._ It was a long night. May I?

**Bella:** *looking at wolf figurine* Um, sure. _Oh no, wolfy present is going to be reduced to splinters. Agghh, am terrible girlfriend. My Edwardkins would never hurt it._

**Edward:** Jacob Black can give you presents. You'll be wearing the bracelet a lot?

**Bella:** Err…

**Edward:** Because you wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. _And that is the only reason. *hums to self and tries to forget impending Bella mutiny*_

**Bella:** Sure, I guess so. _Ya… completely a friend-guilt thing. Nothing else._

**Edward:** If I gave you something would you wear it?

**Bella:** Whatever makes you happy. _As long as it's not that ridiculous G-string._

**Edward:** Everyone else is able to get away with giving you things. How do you explain yourself?

**Bella:** Easy. _I am Be-lla._ You've given me you, _and I don't even deserve that, so when you give me other things it makes my ego-meter die a little bit more._

**Edward:** _Hmmm, there's a point there. Ah, well, the ego-meter is looking pretty dead so I won't reiterate… _The way you regard me is ludicrous. Is there something you want to talk to me about?

**Bella: ***sneakily trying to hide Ultimate Martyrdom Plan* I like Jasper's idea.

**Edward:** Corn bread wouldn't help anything…

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** Oh, you mean _you_? It wouldn't help to have you in danger. Besides Alice sees you tripping around lost in the woods being your same fucktard stumbling self.

**Bella:** I could have Seth lead me.

**Edward:** Jacob would never let him.

**Bella:** Jacob?

**Edward:** He's second in command. He's been keeping a lot of secrets which I am going to divulge now. *clears throat* Leah's a werewolf and Sam's a bastard child. Well, I guess that's not a lot. But they're pretty juicy, no?

**Bella**: That's cool and all, but I still have to be in the clearing.

**Edward:** _That is ridiculously stupid_. No.

**Bella:** Okaaayyy… You said it was so easy someone could sit out. So easy that you could sit out?

**Emmett: **Oh snap!

**Edward:** *calling Alice* Could you come babysit Bella for a bit? I'm going to discuss… me sitting out.

**Emmett:** What's that Super!Bear? For the first time in the novel Bella has Edward whipped and not the other way around? Well, I think that deserves some drinks all around.

**Super Bear:** Fuck ya.

**Edward:** Who's the third wife? You were mumbling about it last night.

**Bella:** _Agggghh! Oh balls. He was peeking at my Ultimate Martyrdom Plan._ That was just a story.

**Alice:** I already told them. Emmett is pleased. *watches as Super Bear holds Emmett's legs up while he does a keg stand*

**Edward:** Of course he is.

**Alice:** You could control the pessimism, Bella. It's so unnecessary. _Even if you are extremely cute when you get all hot and bothered._

**Charlie:** _Oh God. Oh sweet lord baby Jesus. _Howdy, Alice! _Oh crap, what am I, a fucking cowboy?_ How are you, hon? _Oh shit, and I just called her hon._

**Alice:** I'm fine Charlie, thanks. *ignoring lusty old man stare*

**Charlie:** Everyone's talking about that party last night. I'll bet you've got one heck of a clean-up job ahead of you.

**Alice:** _Well, Aro soiled the carpet with his damn cream puffs, and I think we'll be cleaning Mike's greasy hand prints off of the windows for a while… but_ It was a great party.

**Charlie:** Alice, honey, why don't you come stay with us? I hate to think of you all alone in that big house. _Oh God, I need to cut the pedophile creeptastic voice… but she is just so damn cute. Wait… she graduated. She might be legal…_

**Bella:** *looking from Charlie to Alice, then back from Alice to Charlie* _Ewwwww._ I bet Alice doesn't want to sleep on my floor…

**Charlie:** _There's always room for one more in my bed… gah bad, bad thoughts._ Maybe Bella should stay up there with you.

**Alice:** V-I-C-T-O-R-Y. Would you, Bella? You don't mind sleeping with me, right?

**Bella:** Erm

**Alice:** *clears throat* Uhh, shopping. Shopping with me.

**Bella:** Shopping. Okay. When do you want me?

**Alice**_**:**__ Oh, I've wanted you for the past few years now_. After dinner, I guess.

In Bella's room:

**Bella:** Did Alice tell you that she's kidnapping me again?

**Edward:** She's not. I'm the only one who has permission to hold you hostage, remember?

**Alice:** *hands full of bubble bath and loofas* Huh?!? Oh shit! That is so not cool, Edward.

**Bella:** You're kidnapping me?

**Edward:** No, I just told you I'm the only one who has permission to hold you captive, but no, Bella, I am not kidnapping you.

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** *sighing* Yes.

At the clearing:

**Emmett:** Make it burn, confederate man! I will open a can of whoop ass on you! Behold, my inner Chuck Norris!

**Jasper:** Aren't you sick of practicing yet?

**Emmett:** What's the matter? Gonna surrender like the Southern supremacist you truly are?

**Jasper:** Ugghh.

**Bella:** Are you participating tonight?

**Edward:** I'll help Jasper when he needs it.

**Jasper:** You could help to calm down Emmett *holding Emmett's head back with his hand* I think he's had one too many beer bongs.

**Edward:** Jacob.

**Wolfy!Jacob:** *wimper*

**Bella:** I'm fine. Just worried.

**Edward:** He wants to know why.

**Wolfy!Jacob:** Bitch, that is not what I said.

**Edward:** What he actually thought was, "That's really stupid. What is there to be worried about?" I thought it was rude. _You rude, rude, manwhore of a lump of muscle._ Jasper wants help. You'll be okay?

**Bella: **Ya.Go ahead, Jacob. I don't want to watch.

**Wolfy!Jacob:** Employ cuddly dog-tactics now!

**Bella:** You know, I never had a dog.

**Wolfy!Jacob:** You could have me. Just name the time and place, sweetums.

**Bella:** We've got a long hike tomorrow.

**Wolfy!Jacob:** Hehe, I am so looking forward to that.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Even though he was in this bizarre form, this felt more like the way Jake and I used to be. Odd that I should find that again here, when I'd thought this wolf thing was the cause of its loss.

**Wolfy!Jacob:** You know it's just because you find me oh so incredibly sexy as a human and it'd be a little wrong to lust over me in wolf form… a little wrong, but you could definitely try if you wanted to…

**Bella's inner monologue:** Great. More craptastic melodramatic-ness. *sigh* The killing games continued in the clearing, and I stared at the hazy moon.

**Sam:** I'd hardly call tag a "killing game". Pretty lame way to practice battling evil sucking vampires if you ask me…


	19. Edward CockBlocks Himself

**Edward Cock-Blocks Himself**

**Edward:** Oh… brace yourself for some serious cock-blockage, Bella.

**Bella:** Don't worry. I know. You ready for this? I mean, it's a pretty cheese-tastic chapter, even for our standards.

**Stephenie:** *clears throat* Awww, come on, guys. If I can't live vicariously through you, who can?

**Edward:** Ahhh, onward, into the abyss of sugary sweetness.

**Bella:** Here goes nothing.

**Edward:** Alright… *sighs* For this one night, could we try to forget everything besides just you and me? I need to be with you. Just you.

**Bella:** Hmmm, wonder if he knows what he's gotten himself into with that statement?

**Bella's inner monologue**: He lifted me from the cab with one arm. His lips found mine as I heard him kick the door shut. Without breaking the kiss, he swung me up and cradled me into the house.

**Edward's inner monologue:** Jesus, I have to be the king of multitasking. Or one of those freaking Cirque de Soleil acrobats.

**Bella's inner monologue:** His lips were not anxious, but enthusiastic now. He seemed less guarded than usual.

**Fangirls:** Oh shit. It's going to happen. I can't believe it. *start to dirty the pages of their books with perverted inner thoughts that would make Mike blush*

**Stephenie:** *drooling all over self* Aaaand, break away. Hehehe. Cock block #1.

**Edward:** I have something for you.

**Bella:** Oh? _Your little frozen virgin cherry, perchance?_

**Edward:** It's up in my room.

**Bella: **_Heyyy-o. Score. Bedroom time_. Let's go.

**Edward:** A hand-me-down. *super wicked fast vampire bracelet fastening* It was my mother's. I thought it was a good representation. It's hard and cold.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hmmmm, so he's hard? That's a start…

**Edward:** And it throws rainbows in the sunlight.

**Bella:** _We speak not of the Glitter of Doom!_ It's beautiful.

**Edward:** Oh shit. Brace yourself, Bella, I'm about to vomit up some serious cheese. *shudders* My heart is just as silent. And it, too, is yours.

**Bella:** Er, thanks. So… I was impressed by how well we were able to compromise the other night. I was thinking…

**Edward:** What would you like to negotiate?

**Bella:** First, I want to talk to you about the ridiculous marriage condition thing.

**Edward:** It's only ridiculous to you. _I would honestly think that being vampified would be harder than marrying the one guy you've basically been drooling all over for the past two years, but whatever._

**Bella:** I want to hammer out some of the details. Matrimony. *shudders* _Arghhh, old lace, fake flowers, my stumblefuck self in high heels…_

**Edward:** And tuition money, and two cars, and college, and time if you can.

**Bella:** Uh uh, no more time_. I am getting old and wrinkly as we speak._

**Edward:** I didn't realize there was anything else you wanted besides being transformed into a monster yourself. I'm curious. You're blushing? Bella.

**Bella:** Edward, there's something I want to do before I'm not human anymore…

**Edward:** Whatever you want. _Parcheesi? Disney World? All you can eat Chinese buffet?_

**Bella:** *mumbling* you.

**Edward:** I'm yours. _God am I really that thick?_

**Bella:** Yes. _Do you need me to fucking spell it out to you? I want you to get your sparkly vampire ass over here and hump the crap out of me until I am covered in bruises and feathers and you have chomped the bed into firewood. *kisses Edward*_

**Edward:** Hells ya. Finally, we get some sort of action.

**Stephenie:** *giggling* Au contraire, my little vampire. *types viciously over the manuscript and hands it to Edward.

**Edward: **Damnit. I'm gay, right? That has to be it.

**Stephenie:** No, you are a virtuous masochistic undead boy who cares for the soul of his loved one.

**Edward:** That, woman, is bullshit. *sighs* Ah well. *clears throat* Be reasonable, Bella. _God, am now cock-blocking myself. I might as well just saw it off and put it in a jar._

**Bella:** You promised, whatever I wanted_. Jesus, my boyfriend of two years doesn't even want to do me. Maybe I should take Alice up on her offer._

**Alice**: *pops out from under bed with Bella's panties around her head* I'm always here, whenever you need me.

**Bella:** *shivers* I was being facetious.

**Edward:** We're not having this discussion. _It will only make me pissy, and if I didn't have blue balls before, I do now._

**Bella:** You wanted to know.

**Edward:** I thought it would be faintly realistic. _Ya, because screwing your almost fiancée is such an unreasonable thing to fathom. Fuck, Stephenie, I am really royally pissed off right now._ Did I hurt your feelings?

**Bella:** No. _Yes._

**Edward:** You know that I want you, too.

**Bella:** Do you? _Lowly little ol' me?_

**Edward:** Of course I do, silly, beautiful girl. Shall I tell you whose names would be on the top of the "Let's Bone Bella" list? You know a few, but some might surprise you.

**Aro:** Sorry, she's not my style.

**Collective!Wolves:** She kinda reeks of vampiness.

**Jessica:** You know where I stand with the slut whore.

**Edward:** Ermm, so that leaves Mike, Jacob, and Tyler.

**Tyler:** Actually, I dunno. I'd probably take you over her, Edward.

**browniechadowes:** She is not going to do any of you, and neither is Edward. I have been trying too long throughout these parodies to keep them as canon as possible in relation to the whole shippy fanfic smuttiness, and you guys are not spoiling it. *throws bon bons into the pit* Now, go get them.

**Bella:** Right now, physically, there's nothing I want more than you.

**Edward:** Bella, I could kill you. _Me: Vampire, You: Tasty Treat. I don't know how many times I've had to spell it out._

**Bella:** _Kill me? That's kinda hot and dangerous. I'm so turned on_. You don't want to hurt me… I don't think you ever could.

**Edward**: I would never take that kind of risk with you. _I can just see it in the obituaries now: Death by Sex. That would be a goodbye to S. Meyer's wholesome little series._

**Bella:** _Ooookay. Severe grovel mode._ Please? I'll marry you if you just screw me. I'll even let you buy me a car. Please?

**Edward:** *kissing Bella furiously then stopping* Would you please stop trying to take your clothes off? _Gaaahhhh, why am I cock-blocking myself, again? This really blows chunks, Stephenie. I mean, I'm about to gouge my eyes out here. Do you know what it's like to keep getting turned on and then having to turn it off? It's not comfortable._ Not tonight.

**Bella:** Give me one good reason why tonight is not as good as any other night. _Me, Bella, am horny. God, what do I have to do to get my boyfriend to fuck me? Hmmm, where's that strawberry shampoo? Maybe if I lather myself-_

**Edward:** You first.

**Bella:** I have to marry you first?

**browniechadowes:** *throws a heavy Bible at Stephenie's head* Ugghh, you tease.

**Edward:** You're engaged.

**Bella:** Ew! Please don't say that out loud. _Uggghh, marriage. Nasty buffet food, drunk stupid uncles, kids screaming everywhere._

**Edward:** Everything is backward. Traditionally, shouldn't you be arguing my side, and I yours?

**Bella:** _Yes, but this is Stephenie's feeble attempt at appeasing those pissed off feminists in the corner… and failing miserably._ You make me feel like a villain, trying to steal some poor girl's virtue. _Ahhhahaha! _You're trying to protect your virtue!

**Edward:** _Ummm, no, I am already damned to hell._ I'm trying to protect yours.

**Bella:** Errrmmm…

**Edward:** I'm a lying, stealing, coveting soulless murderer. But at least I'm a virgin.

**Bella:** *ignoring all flaws* What did you ever covet?

**Edward:** You.

**Bella:** _If you're damned to hell, I wanna be damned too._ I have a solution to all this: let's never die, all right?

**Edward's inner monologue:** Wow, that is so severely fucked up it's not even funny.

**Bella:** So you won't sleep with me until we're married.

**Edward:** Technically, I can't ever sleep with you.

**browniechadowes:** *slaps Stephenie upside the head with Eclipse. Twice.* Really? A fucking vampire joke? This chapter pisses me off.

**Edward:** Hah, pisses you off? Try having a hard on and getting rid of it all of three times in the past chapter.

**Bella:** Ya, and hell, I am trying pretty damn hard to get laid and it just isn't happening.

**Stephenie:** *coughing* Come on, guys. It's almost over. And I promise, the next book will so make up for this.

**Edward:** *scoffs* I want to do this right. Please keep in mind that you've already agreed to this, and don't ruin it for me.

**Bella:** Oh, no. *le gasp* Not-

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuummmmmm….

**Bella's inner monologue:** A marriage proposal? Ewww.

**Edward:** Isabella Swan? I promise to love you forever- every single day of forever. Will you marry me?

**Bella: **No.

**Edward:** ?

**Bella:** Silly, yes.

**Edward:** Thank you.

**Bella:** No, thank you, and thank God this stupid chapter is done. Wanna go steal Jacob's Rabbit and take care of some pent up emotions?

**Edward:** I'm right behind you. *grabs beer bong out of Emmett's hands and heads for the garage*


	20. You Completely Suck at Touching Things

**You Completely Suck at Touching Things**

**Alice:** I think that you're going to want to pack for cold weather.

**Bella:** Ew, snow. _I hate cold, wet things._

**Edward:** Again with the flip-flopping. You either hate it or you like it, Bella.

**Bella:** Not like it really matters until after we're married anyway. _Stupid prude vampire lover of mine._

**Alice**: *death glare* Bella, could I please speak to you alone?

**Bella's inner monologue:** AGGHHH! Death glare? Why, Alice, why?

**Edward:** You're about to make my life harder than it needs to be. _For God's sake, I had to agree to screw her in order for her to marry me in the first place._

**Alice:** Bella? Don't you love me?

**Bella:** Of course I do. You know that.

**Alice:** Then why do I see you sneaking off to Vegas to get married?

**browniechadowes:** . Don't even go there. I am sinking this ship for this parody. Now go off and play with Mike. *shoves Bella/Alice shippers into Mike's sticky arms*

**Bella: **Fine, you can come. What?

**Alice:** Please, please, please. Please, Bella, please-if you really love me… Please let me do you.

**Bella:**?

**Alice:** Er *looking at browniechadowes, who is now holding nun chucks ominously* do your wedding.

**Bella:** You'd owe me for a century. Ugh! Ugh, ugh! _Taffeta, sorbet colored bridesmaid dresses, nasty coconut cake…_

**Alice:** Yay! Where's the ring?

**Edward:** Bella has issues with jewelry. _Along with issues in co-dependency and infidelity…_

**Bella's inner monologue: **No, I just don't like walking down the street with people assuming that you got me knocked up.

**Alice:** What's one more diamond? He's already got one on-

**Edward:** _Gah! She must not know that there is a 5 carat diamond hanging off of her wrist… not that I'm in competition with the werewolf or am trying to overcompensate for anything… _Enough Alice!

**Bella:** Diamonds? *_eyes light up* Shiny objects?_

In the clearing:

**Edward:** Okay, just walk north and touch things.

**Bella:** _I'd rather be going south and touching things…_ Am I doing this right?

**Edward:** _No, you completely suck at touching things, as it is such a difficult job._ Perfectly.

**Bella:** Will this help? *rips out chunk of hair, pulling pieces of scalp out along with it*

**Edward:** *vomits in a nearby bush*

**Bella:** Ouch! Oh, fabulous. *stumblefucks into a tree and gouges hand* _Oooh idea!_ *decides to rub cut into dirty rocks and ground* Jasper will love this.

**Edward:** Let me treat your hand- you've gotten the cut dirty. _Good God, she's like a little kid._

**Bella:** It doesn't bother you? How did you get over it? _I tried to remember the last time he'd held his breath around me… oh, right after I ran out of that shampoo…_

**Edward:** *putting Disney Princess band-aid on Bella's hand* _You stopped wearing that God-awfully tempting shampoo… hmmm, should be more romantic._ I lived through 24 hours thinking you were dead. Changed the way I look at things.

**Jacob: **Hi, Bella. Where do I take her? _Pleasure-town? A little romp with the Rabbit?_

**Edward:** You're taking her up nine miles. Do you need the map?

**Jacob:** _Yes. I have absolutely zero werewolfy senses and do not go running through the forest ever._ No.

**Edward:** I'll see you in a few hours.

**Jacob:** *knocks Bella in the air and catches her football style*

**Bella:** Jerk.

**Jacob:** What's with the addition to your bracelet? _Really? Haha, at least I must be getting to him a little bit. _A rock. Figures._ Rich glittery pansy boy._ Been thinking about the face-rapage a lot?

**Bella: **Nope.

**Jacob:** Is he a better kisser than I am? _Because I'm sure I'm no competition to a mouth full of venom and over a century old lips._

**Bella:** Edward is the only person I've ever kissed. I think of yours as an assault.

**Bella's Tongue:** *weeps in the far recesses of her mouth*

**Jacob:** Ouch! That's cold.

**Bella:** No, Jake, that line doesn't come until the honeymoon.

**Jacob:** *forcefully ignoring innuendo* But think about it, Bella. You've kissed just one person and you're calling it quits? You could kiss me, for example.

**Bella:** I swear I won't stop him if he wants to break your jaw.

**Jacob:** If you ask me to kiss you, he won't have any reason to get upset. _Gotta love loopholes._

**Bella:** Don't hold your breath, Jake.- Jeez, I really am working up to be the biggest hypocrite of the series, aren't I?

**Jacob:** Pretty much, but I'm not complaining.

**Bella:** Alrighty then.

**Jacob:** I think it's easier for you to be near me when I'm not human, because you don't have to pretend that you're not attracted to me.

**Bella:** Nope. Pretty sure it's because you can't talk. _I never, ever think about your half-clothed bestial muscly body in any unclean ways whatsoever…ya._

**Jacob:** What's the matter with you, Bella? Are you okay? Don't cry, Bella.

Bella: Edward isn't going to fight tomorrow, and I can't let him go, and if anyone gets hurt, it will be my fault, and I can't find my Ultimate Martyrdom Plan anywhere, and I just found another one of Aro's cream puffs in my pants.

Jacob: _Ughh, she really needs to get over the whole undead boyfriend thing. I mean, he is UN-dead… Pretty hard for him to die._ Well, it doesn't matter to you if something happens to me.

**Bella:** Don't say that. You're my best friend.

**Jacob: **_I'm always that. So I'm not getting any from her because I'm the best friend, and Edward's not getting any from her because they aren't married? _When are you finally going to figure out you're in love with me, too?

**Bella:** Meh, in a couple chapters.

**Jacob:** ?

**Bella:** I don't suppose there's any way you'd just stay? If I did beg?

**Jacob:** Tempting, but no. _I am nowhere near being as pussy whipped as sparkle jaw over there._

**Edward:** Bella!

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Ummm, and if you look to your right, there's a slight storm of whipped vampire coming due south.

**Edward:** That was quicker than I expected, and I truly appreciate it.

**Jacob:** *cringes* _Gah, can you lay the super suave creepy old man vibe on any thicker?_ Get her inside. I'm going to change.


	21. Uggghh I Just Stepped In Ship

**Uggghh. I Just Stepped In Ship**

**browniechadowes:** Steph, I told you this was a bad, bad idea…

**Stephenie:** But they looked so pent up! And I really liked their ideas for my story.

**browniechadowes:** *watches in pain as Edward/Jacob/Bella shippers are let out to create havoc* I guess… whatever floats your boat.

**Edward:** Personally, this really sucks on my end.

**Jacob:** Whatever. At least you have the whole "irrevocable love" thing going for you.

**Bella:** *sighs* Heh. *looking through shippiness-soiled pages* I get two guys to fall in love with me? Awesome.

**Jacob and Edward:** *hose Bella down with water and shove her into a snowstorm.* Bitch.

**browniechadowes:** *looks down* Uggghh. I just stepped in ship.

**Frozen!Bella:** W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-time is it? _Aghhhh. Hate cold things. Hate, hate, hate cold things._

**Edward:** Two. What can I do? _I mean really, Bella, if you weren't about to be a complete harlot, I might be a little more helpful. But really, you want me to breathe on you? Warm you up with my undead skin? _

**Frozen!Bella:** H-h-h-h-h-h-h. _I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be articulating here._

**Wolfy!Jacob:** Way to go, sparkle fuck. You're going to be stuck with IceCube!Bella as a girlfriend.

**Edward:** What do you want me to do? Go fetch a space heater or something.

**FrozenMartyr!Bella:** I'm ok-k-k-k-k-kay. _Not okay, not okay. Cold can go and die. Brilliant. Note to self. Once out of cold, am going to kill it._

**Wolfy!Jacob:** You know… there are other ways to warm her up…

**Super Bear:** *passes Wolfy!Jacob a bottle* Peppermint schnapps?

**Wolfy!Jacob:** *rolls eyes* I was thinking more along the lines of playing let's rub up against the big bad wolf… hehe.

**Edward:** That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

**Jacob:** Better than anything you've come up with. Go fetch a space heater.

**Bella:** J-j-j-j-jake, you'll f-f-f-freez-z-z-ze.

**Jacob:** Not me. I'll have you sweating in no time. _Hah, that's what she said._

**Edward:** *snarl*

**Jacob:** I'm sure she'll thank you when her toes turn black and drop off. _See what I'm doing there, children? Play to strengths. Eward guilty = Jacob spooning Edward's girlfriend. That's what happens when you haven't used your balls in over 100 years._

**Edward:** Watch yourself.

**Bella:** N-n-n-n-n. _Still have about the articulation of a one year old with turrets. _

**Jacob**: You're freezing, Bella.

**Bella**: S-s-s-sorry. _Riiight, because obviously I should be apologizing for being cold in zero degree weather. Of course._

**Jacob:** You'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off. Don't worry about the bloodsucker. He's just jealous.

**Edward**_**:**__ No shit, Sherlock._ Of course I am. _This is the second time in the series that you've gotten further with Bella than I have. It's like I have to deal with all of her shit, and you kinda stand behind me scooping up the booty._

**Jacob:** Your lips are blue. Want me to warm those up for you, too?

**Bella's Tongue:** NOOOOOOOOOO!

**Bella:** Behave yourself. *cold toe jab* Jake, why are you so furry?

**Jacob:** _Well, that's a little personal. I didn't think she'd notice… I'm not that naked._ Because my hair is longer. _And I want to swath you in my lustrous man-mane._

**Edward:** Hehehe. You, sir, are pathetic.

**Jacob:** *rolls eyes* It seemed you liked it better long. That's right, honey, go to sleep. _Weird. That "honey" kind of popped out of nowhere._

**Super Bear: **Honey? Emmett you's wan' sum honey wiss our schnapps?

Emmett: Nah, I's good. This is sooo awkward, it's furnny.

**Edward:** Seth is here.

**Jacob:** Now you can keep an eye on everything while I take care of your girlfriend for you. _This could become a permanent thing, you know, say, if Bella ever wants to have a kid, is pregnant with evil spawn baby, and you would rather me do the job… Mmmmm, where are those Mature fanfics?_

**Edward:** Do you mind!

**Jacob:** What?

**Edward:** Could you attempt to control your thoughts? *shudders* _Demon spawn babies. Ya right._

**Jacob:** Get out of my head. *starts thinking about a rendezvous with himself, Bella, the Rabbit, and dog food*

**Edward:** Yes, I'm jealous of that, too.

**Jacob:** _The dog food or Bella? I'm confused. That was a weird fantasy anyway…_She could still change her mind. Considering all the things I could do with her without killing her.

**Edward:** _Hah, shows how much you know. I won't kill her. I will just bruise her considerably, causing myself emotional stress and Bella physical insecurity._ Go to sleep, Jacob.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Care to answer a few questions? Just for kicks? While I'm straddling your girlfriend?

**Edward**_**:**__ Meh, nothing better to do._ What do you want me to answer?

**Jacob:** Do you wish you could see what she's thinking?

**Edward:** Yes… and no. _Sometimes I'm scared to think about what actually goes on in her mind. I'm not sure I'd feel the same way about her after diving into that mess of a brain. _I'd rather she was happy.

**Jacob:** What would you do if she changed her mind? Kill me?

**Edward:** Nope. _I am much too chivalrous for that. I would not fight like the super cool vampire Stephenie made me out to be. I would let you skip off into the sunset with m'love. _But sometimes it's an intriguing idea.

**Jacob:** You left her because you want her to be human.

**Edward:** There are only 4 possibilities. 1.) she didn't feel as strongly for me_… which basically went to shit when she became OverlyObsessive!Bella._ 2.) live with her throughout her human life… _which went to shit when she had that creepy dream about Gran gran getting it on with me. _3.) take myself out of her world… _which went to shit because she is emotionally incapable of functioning without yours truly._ 4.) turn her into vamptastic!Bella.

**Jacob:** I like option one. You know, if she hadn't jumped off a cliff in March… and if you'd waited another six months to check on her…

**Jacob/Bella shippers:** *type furiously on their computers, writing as Jacob and Bella get it on in the truck, on a stump, by the phone, on a train, on a plane, here or there, anywhere!*

**Edward:** Can I ask you something? Something about a third wife? _I have a sneaking suspicion that Bella is planning to martyr herself… again. I had to steal her Ultimate Martyrdom Plan from her._

**Jacob:** What about it?

**Edward:** Can't you guess which character Bella would identify with?

**Jacob:** Oh. Ugh. The third wife. _Jeez, it's not even funny how much this girl wants to freaking die for someone else… really, anyone else._ Okay, I see your point.

**Edward:** Sleep well, Jacob. Enjoy the moment.

**Jacob's inner monologue: ***Mmmmmm, looks over shippers' shoulders as Bella is pinned to the front of the Rabbit by Jacob's bulging, quivering member-

**browniechadowes:** Ugghhh. Spare me the details. And I HATE the word "member".

**Shippers:** Come on. You know everyone reads them every once and a while.

**browniechadowes:** No. I do not get my kicks from smutty, smutty fanfics *furiously deletes browser history*

**Edward:** I didn't mean that quite so literally. _Although, it is a slightly intriguing concept…These smutty fanfics you speak of…_

**Jacob:** I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind. _One little movement, and my happiness will most likely be displayed for all to see._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Am still feigning sleep as Edward sings creepy lullaby to himself and Jacob mutters something about dog food.


	22. The Triangle of Shippiness

**The Triangle of Shippiness**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted.

**Jacob:** I could make you sweat some more if you like *winks*

**Bella's inner monologue:** I squirmed, unable to loosen his hold. Edward's expression was calm, but the pain in his eyes was unconcealed.

**Edward:** What? It really does suck. I mean, I've had zero action… because I refuse to count that one time with the tequila and Aro *shudders*. I mean, the most I've really done is vomit glitter all over Bella… and I'm pretty sure my character doesn't even masturbate.

**Stephenie:** Gentlemen don't need to take care of themselves in that way, silly Edward. You are a chagrin and masochistic vampire, therefore the snake is staying inside the cage.

**Bella**: Is it any warmer out there? _Hello, sweaty and squished human at your 5 o'clock._

**Edward:** Yes. I don't think the space heater will be necessary today.

**Bella:** Some help?

**Edward:** You want me to take his arms all the way off? *starts to rip off Jacob's arms when-*

**Jacob:** Hey! _I was using my right hand, thank you very much. *rolls on top of Bella, face "accidentally" lodging in her chest* Heh._

**Edward:** *bitch slaps Jacob and throws him into a pole*

**Edward/Jacob shippers:** Ooooh, they are so in love.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward was crouching, snarls ripping out of his chest. Jacob was half-crouched, too, his whole body quivering. Then Edward reached out to touch Jacob's shivering memb-

**Bella:** Stop it, stop it!

**browniechadowes:** I quite agree with Bella. Edward/Jacob shippers, do you want me to stick you in the fangirl corner? Because so help me God, I will do it.

**Fangirls:** *drool*

**Bella:** That wasn't nice. You should say sorry.

**Edward:** You must be joking… _I just spent a whole night reading smutty Bella/Jacob fanfics out of his mind as he grinded up on you, and now I have to fucking apologize. My un-life really is starting to blow. _My apologies, dog.

**Jacob:** No harm done. _Oh, it is on like donkey kong, Gay!vamp._ I wasn't ready to wake up. That wasn't the best night's sleep I ever had.

**Edward:** It was your idea.

**Jacob:** I didn't say it wasn't the best night I've ever spent, but I thought Bella was never going to shut up. _Is she always that blabbery and sweaty? I bet she's a screamer… oh, heh, you wouldn't know. _Did you have a nice night?

**Edward:** It wasn't the worst night of my life. *thinks back to pit of discarded characters and Aro's pool of Jell-o*. But if I took your place last night, it wouldn't have made the top ten of the best nights of my life. Dream about that. _Burn, bitch, burn._

**Jacob:** _Well I know that could only entail chaste kissing and stalkerish staring, so I'm really not all that intimidated._ I need to talk to Sam.

**Bella:** Please, Jake? Won't you stay? _Damn it, I took care of Edward not martyring himself… Jake can't take away my glory! Preposterous._

**Jacob:** Give it a rest, Bella. _God, all this after I went to the trouble of stealing the Ultimate Martyrdom Plan._

**Edward:** I hate missing the fun. _Eh, at least I got to fight in the first novel and I got to chat up the undead old vampires in the second. Emmett's going to be pretty pissed, though._ Don't worry.

**Bella:** Sure, sure.

**Jacob:** *runs up and pokes Bella in the eye* Nope. You do not get to say my catch phrase to sparkle virgin over here.

**Edward:** Do you want me to distract you? *runs fingers oh so uncreepily along Bella's cheekbone*

**Bella:** *shivers* _Nopers. You're cold and a complete tease._ You could tell me about your ten best nights.

**Edward:** Guess.

**Bella:** I can only think of mine. There was the first night.

**Edward:** That's one of mine, too. _Although, technically, I had been super!stalking you for a few months before that… _

**Bella:** What did I say last night?

**Edward:** Mostly you said my name. Near the end, though, you started mumbling some nonsense about "Jacob, my Jacob". _I figure I'll leave out the part about the dog food… that's just weird._

**Bella:** _Oh shit. Have been found out. Must create a diversion… erm_ That's just the way I differentiate between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. _Ummm,_ flying home from Italy.

**Edward:** ?

**Bella:** Best night.

**Edward:** It's one of mine, but I'm surprised it's on your list. But first place is two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *makes face* Ugghhh. Snot-nosed flower girls, itchy garters, lots and lots of toasters…

**Edward:** A hundred years from now, when you've fucking lived my hell hole of a life and stop being such a bitch about matrimony, I will explain it to you.

**Stephenie:** Edward! Mind your tongue and apologize. That is definitely not what I wrote.

**Edward: **I'm a wee bit testy this morning. Something about another guy jacking off to my girlfriend while humping her knee makes for a pissy start to the day.

**Stephenie:** Edward… I could rewrite this chapter a la Edward/Jacob shippers…. I'm sure Aro would get a kick out of that.

**Edward:** *sighs* Alright, alright. I'll be nice. -Are you warm enough?

**Bella:** I'm fine. Why?

**Edward's inner monologue:** Because I have a sneaking suspicion that you are going to want to run out into a snowstorm to apologize to your face-rapist.

**Jacob:** _ARRRGHHH! _*howl* _Fucking rock. Stubbed my damn toe._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Jacob had heard every word we'd said. Jacob was in agony.

**Edward:** *In manner of Dr. Evil* Truce over.

**Bella:** You knew he was listening?

**Edward:** Yep. _Again, remember, am slightly pissed this morning._

**Bella:** I'm horrified at me. _I am a pile of ship shit._ I'm a hideous person. I have to go find him.

**Edward:** Do you want me to see if I can bring him back? _– Really? I can't believe I have to fucking do this. God, my suave gentlemanliness is annoying._ I'll be back.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Was there anything I touched that didn't get spoiled?

**Mike:** *flinging hands out of the pit of discarded characters* You could always touch me and see.

**Jessica**: *drags Mike back down by the legs*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _I am now going to monologue about what a worthless sack o' shit I am._ I tortured the ones I loved. I was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights… _uggghhh we finally get off Romeo and Juliet and get straight back onto another cliché sobby love story… _Jacob couldn't belong with me, could not be my Jacob.

**Bella:** What is it?

**Wolfy!Seth:** Jacob stubbed his toe. Oh, and you're a complete cock-tease. *growl*

**Jacob:** It's just us, Seth.

**Edward:** Bella, I'm going to take Seth away and give you time alone with your hormone ridden body and the best friend that you are sexually attracted to. Tootles.

**Bella:** I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I wish I'd never met you. I'll stay away from you.

**Jacob: **_Ummm… It's just a stubbed toe. I think I'll survive. _What if I'd rather you stayed? Don't I get any say?

**Bella:** I don't want to hurt you anymore. I hate it.

**NearFuture!Jacob:** *slaps Jacob* Do not listen to her. I told you she was a pirate hooker lying whore of the night.

**Jacob:** *to NearFuture!Jacob* _Meh, action is action. I've read ahead. Aaaand, here we go. Let's play "Make Bella Guilty So She'll Get On Us"._ You're not the only one capable of self-sacrifice *pulls Ultimate Martyrdom Plan out of pocket* _Hehe, stole this while Edward was debating breaking the necks of all the Bella/Jacob shippers._

**Bella:** What? _NOOOOO! Give it back to me, you slut!_ I won't let you. Don't go!

**Jacob:** I love you, Bella.

**Bella:** I love you, Jacob.

**Aro:** I love you, Edward.

**Edward: **?

**Jacob:** *rubs hands together* Well… you could ask me.

**Bella:** Come back.

**Jacob:** Nopers, and that's not even a question.

**Bella:** Want a cream puff? Tomato soup? Loofa?

**Jacob:** Hmmm, loofa. Getting warmer.

**Bella:** Oh, will you kiss me, Jacob?

**Jacob:** _Heyyy-o. We have a bingo._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I held very still, my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides. His lips tried to force a response out of mine.

**Jacob:** _God, it's not like I'm going to lose control and bite you or anything._ Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Grrr. Anger. Pain. Hair pulling. Kissing. Oh, mmm, kissing. Kissing back. Kissing back. Kissing back? Warm, red luuuurve.

**Edward:** Hooker.

**Alice:** Whore.

**Mike:** Me next!

**Stephenie:** Ahhhh, love.

**browniechadowes:** *hair being pulled out by the triangle of shippiness*

**Jacob:** I have to leave.

**Bella:** Nope.

**Jacob:** _Now, watch this amazing suave-ness of mine._ *kisses Bella oh so sweetly* That should have been our first kiss. _Boo-ya. In your face, dazzle boy._


	23. I Wanted To Taste The Rainbow

**I Wanted To Taste The Rainbow**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I lay facedown across the sleeping bag, waiting for justice to find me. _Lord, strike me down. _

**Edward: **Are you all right? _Why is she trying to construct a makeshift guillotine?_

**Bella: **No. I want to die.

**Edward:** _What's new._ I won't allow it.

**Bella:** _What's new._

**Edward:** And I thought I fought dirty. I'm not mad at you, love. Jacob's more cunning-

**browniechadowes**: A cunning linguist? Hehehe.

**Stephenie:** *glares at browniechadowes*

**browniechadowes:** *clears throat* Sorry. Continue.

**Edward:** More cunning than I gave him credit for. I wish you hadn't asked him, though. _Really, that's all I've got? I wish you hadn't asked him? What about, "I wish you hadn't played tonsil hockey with your best friend two nights after we get engaged"._

**Bella:** Edward, I…I… _Shit. Am a scumbag._

**Edward: **Shhh. Now I don't have an excuse to break his face. I really would have enjoyed that. _So, let me get this straight… because my fiancé asked her best friend to kiss her, I have no right to be mad at her or punch him?_

**Stephenie:** Mmm hmmm. Correct, my delectable debonair man.

**Edward:** Have I stated recently how much my character sucks?

**Bella:** Why aren't you angry with me?

**Edward**: You're only human.

**browniechadowes:** Hmmm, wonder how many people have tried to use that as an excuse before…

**Edward:** You love him.

**Bella:** I love you more.

**Edward:** _Well, that's reassuring to my male ego._ What would you like me to say?

**Bella:** I want you to call me every bad name you can think of.

**Edward:** I can't do that.

**Jessica:** *running up to Edward with pages in hand* Ooh, Edward, let me help you. There are quite a few I didn't get to, and I've added a few more. Like, you could call her a venereal disease infested slut of a bastard child…

**Edward:** Not necessary, Jessica. _I have to be all noble and shit._ I'm not going to make you choose between us. Just be happy.

**Bella:** What happened to fighting back? _Please, find your balls, man. This is not attractive._ Fight!

**Jasper:** *pokes head in* Did someone say fight?

**Bella:** *kisses Edward furiously*

**Edward:** Careful, love.

**Bella:** Nope.

**Edward:** Really, Bella, now is not the time. It is cold, I am a bizarre moral vampire, and you stink_… ummm, and you just recently cheated on me. Doesn't really set the mood._ And there's a huge baby vampire fight going on…

**Bella:** AGGGHHH! Vampires.

**SethPossessed!Edward:** The first group is in the clearing. We can hear the fighting. We can hear Emmett- he's enjoying himself.

**Super Bear:** *slurring* Emmett, there's fightin' goin' ons.

**Emmett: **I's shows you fightin'. *gives Super Bear a tittie twister*

**Penguin:** Hey, we's needs more schnapps.

**kinolaughs:** Here's yous go!

**SethPossessed!Edward:** They're talking about you. Making sure you don't escape.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Stupid Jacob, stealing my Ultimate Martyrdom Plan.

**SethPossessed!Edward:** They have no idea what to make of us. Both sides are feinting…

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh, no. No. No. Who had been lost?

**Edward:** Scary sexy redheaded vampire bitch!

**Bella:** Who?

**Edward:** *rolls eyes* Vic-to-ri-a. You were right. It was always Victoria. _*throws manuscript at Stephenie*. No shit. Weren't we supposed to figure that out like a few hundred pages ago?_

**Bella's inner monologue:** Victoria was staring at me. Her eyes were black with thirst. She did not smile. I knew what she wanted…

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuum…

**Bella's inner monologue**_**:**__ Sex?_ My death. _I am now going to go into detail about how redheaded vampire bitch could kill me_. Perhaps a hand shoved through my chest. _Pleasant._

**Edward:** She's lying to you, Riley.

**Riley's inner monologue:** *confused* But she said I could have all the Skittles I wanted after this…

**Edward:** She wants you to die so that she doesn't have to keep up the pretense anymore. Everything was a lie.

**Riley's inner monologue:** No skittles? But I wanted so badly to taste the rainbow…

**Edward:** Last chance, Riley.

**Victoria:** *in high bubble gum voice* He's the liar, Riley. _I have a whole room full of Skittles for you back at the hotel._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Whoa, is Shirley Temple here? What's with the voice? Kinda takes away from her fierce scariness. Maybe she'll sing "On the Good Ship Lollypop" if I ask nicely enough.

**Victoria: ***high baby scream as Seth slams into Riley* No!

**Edward:** May I have this dance?

**Victoria:** Thought you'd never ask, sexy.

**Orchestra:** *strikes up a tango*

**Bella's inner monologue:** *picking up discarded Ultimate Martyrdom Plan, flipping to page 6* Aha! *picks up rock and sticks self in arm*

**Edward:** Are you fucking serious, Bella. Way to go fucktard love of mine. I was just about to kill her…

**Riley:** *arm goes flying into the air* Victoria! _Oh, think happy thoughts. Wading through a sea of Skittles. Skittle pie. Skittle soup. _

**Seth:** Nom nom nom. Vampire.

**Edward:** *literally bites Victoria's head off*

**Bella:** Well that was gross.


	24. Moral of the Story: Mashed Potatoes

**Moral of the Story: Mashed Potatoes**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I watched with puppy dog luuurve eyes as my undead piece of manflesh dismembered sexy redheaded bitch. Then Seth carried Skittle boy's torso over to the pile and then set it on fire.

**Edward: ***fist bumps Seth's nose* Nice teamwork. Now Bella, can you drop the rock, please?

**Bella:** *drops rock* _Ouch. Maybe Ultimate Martyrdom Plan wasn't such a good idea after all…_

**Edward:** I won't touch you. I won't hurt you.

**Bella:** _Ummm, hello, I've been wanting you to touch me for around two years now._ What do you mean?

**Edward:** Aren't you afraid of me? _Is no one ever afraid of me? Jesus, I just got cheated on, had to kill sexy redheaded vamp, and now I suck at being an oh so intimidating vampire. Things have certainly gone downhill since the first novel._

**Bella:** Afraid of you? Why_? God, is he going to try to bring out his supposedly scary glitter again?_

**Edward:** _Hmmm, how to explain… well_, I just beheaded and dismembered a sentient creature not twenty yards from you. That doesn't bother you?

**Bella:** Nopers. I just wanted to help. _I'm beginning to suspect he has been ignoring the very essence of moi. He could probably kill off a few hundred people and I would still want to have sex in the bloody death pit with him._

**Edward:** Your little stunt with the rock nearly gave me a heart attack, and that's not the easiest thing to do.

**browniechadowes:** *chucks pretzels at Stephenie* Urghh. Stupid, stupid vampire jokes.

**Bella:** I wanted to help… Seth was hurt… _Do not mock my plan, sexy man!_

**Edward:** It was a trick.

**Bella:** Seth was… faking? Oh. _Well, damn it, that makes my Ultimate Martyrdom Plan an epic fail. Well, I didn't know that._ Just you wait until I'm Vamptastic!Bella! I'm not going to be sitting on the sidelines next time.

**Edward:** No, we are all just going to stare at the opposition until we all walk away with a better understanding of each other.

**Stephenie:** *glaring* Edward, from now on I am seriously restricting your reading liberties. You weren't supposed to peak at Breaking Dawn yet.

**Edward:** Don't worry. I got too sick to the stomach before I could finish the entire thing.

**SethPossessed!Edward:** No! Don't! *falling on knees with head in hands* _Yup, that's right. Still scared to death of the Volturi… That pool of Jell-o is creeptastic._

**Bella:** What's happening?

**Edward:** The Volturi decided it was time to intercede. _Oh, phew, minus Aro. He's still busy with Mike and the whipped cream in the pit of discarded characters._

**Bella:** What happened?

**Edward:** It was all over. The wolves didn't count their half…

**Bella:** What happened?

**Edward:** _I thought I was telling you…_Leah was an idiot and tried to kill off an evil baby vampire.

**Bella:** Edward, someone got hurt.

**Edward:** _Well, Jesus Christ, if you would quit interrupting me I could tell you. _Jacob.

**Bella:** *le faint*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Jacob. Jacob. Jacob.

**Carlisle:** She'll come around when she's ready, Edward_. Really, do we want her conscious when she doesn't have to be? It makes the plotline a hell of a lot easier without her trying to kill herself every other second._

**Bella:** How bad are his injuries?

**Carlisle:** Most of the bones on the right half of his body were shattered.

**browniechadowes:** And the moral of this story, kids, is: Don't face-rape your best friend, and don't cheat on your fiancé with said best friend, because if you do, an evil baby vampire will mush your body like mashed potatoes.

**Carlisle:** *to captured Bree* We don't want to destroy you, but we will if you can't control yourself.

**Bree:** How can you stand it? I _want_ her.

**browniechadowes:** *Beats back perverted Bree/Bella shippers.*

**Alice:** Grrrr. _Lesbian shippage is my territory, bitches._

**Carlisle:** You must stand it. You must exercise control.

**browniechadowes:** Beats back perverted Carlisle/Bella shippers. Jesus. No more shipping. I'm getting tired. I'm honestly just about to give up.

**Edward:** Welcome, Jane.

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuum

**Everyone:** AGGGHH! Jane!

**Jane:** Aro hoped that we would get far enough west to see you, Carlisle. He sends his regards… and wanted you to have these. _Weird, weird old man._

**Carlisle:** *taking cream puffs and loofa* _Ahhh, interesting times._ I would appreciate it if you would convey mine to him.

**Jane:** You there. Your name.

**Bree:** Bree. Like the cheese.

**Jane:** This redheaded bitch. Did she create you?

**Bree:** The guy that was obsessed with Skittles never said her name. He said that our thoughts weren't safe. So Skittles took us here to destroy the yellow-eyes.

**Jane:** Broken rules demand a consequence. But why was the girl the key?

**Edward: **_Because there wouldn't be a climax to the book if Bella wasn't intertwined in the plot?_ Victoria held a grudge against Bella.

**Jane:** It's too bad we missed the fight.

**Irate!Emmett:** Fight? Shit, was that left out again? Jesus, eighteen evil baby vampires, and we focus on the redheaded bitch? Goddamnit.

**Super Bear:** Calm down, Emmett. Even if she had written it in, you'd had too much schnapps to do anything about it.

**Emmett:** True. Tequila time?

**Penguin:** Fuck ya.

**Jane:** It was nice to meet you, Carlisle. I'd thought Aro was exaggerating. _You are one hunk of manly man sex tiger. _Until we meet again. Take care of Bree, Felix.

**Edward:** Don't watch. _I mean, it's cool and all for you to watch me de-head and dismember people, but watching this might be too much for you._

**Bella's inner monologue:** *hears crunching and snapping and then starts humming to self* Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.


	25. Jacob Gets Stoned

**Jacob Gets Stoned**

**Bella:** That's enough, Alice. I want to go back to La Push.

**Alice:** Jacob's still unconscious. _Damnit, now am beginning to see why Edward is so pissy all the time._

**Bella:** I don't care. I want to be there when Jacob wakes up.

**Alice:** Play your role first, Bella, and then you can do who-

**browniechadowes:** *clears throat*

**Alice:** ermm what you want second. Jacob is fine, Bella. Anything you want to talk about before you leave? _Maybe confess your undying love to someone else? Someone in front of you… another best friend?_

**Bella:** Will I be like that girl Bree?

**Alice:** _Ummm, will you want to drink human blood? That is normally what entails being a vampire and all…_ Something like that, yes.

**Bella:** Why is it that nothing else works on me? Edward, or Jane, or Aro….

**Alice:** It's a mental thing. Bella, you are safe inside your mind. No one can reach you there. _And I mean that in the most flattering way possible. I mean, I'm not sure anyone could quite understand the monstrously stupid pit that has become your mind._

**Bella:** You still see me as Vamptastic!Bella?

**Alice:** Yeppers.

**Bella:** Just checking.

At Bella's house:

**Charlie:** I told you motorcycles were dangerous. I hope this makes you realize that I wasn't kidding around.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Heh, motorcycles? Bring 'em on. I just watched my boyfriend behead a vampire and set the pieces on fire like a sadistic psycho-killing pyro.

**Charlie:** I don't think you need to worry about Jake. Anyone who can cuss with that kind of energy is going to recover. _Hehehe, wonderful little face-rapist of mine. TEAM JACOB! Woot woot!_

**Bella:** How did he look?

**Charlie:** *wiping a tear from his eye* Messed up. He was himself enough to tease me, though.

**Bella:** Tease you?

**Charlie:** Yeah. He said, "Bet you're glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie? _But I'm not. Why can't she just screw the poor boy?_

**Bella:** _But I do love him!_ I'm sure this wasn't his fault.

**Charlie:** Billy turned the boat around when he heard wolves howling. Then there was howling right outside the house, but it stopped when Jake made it home.

**Edward:** Aha. Now I see where Bella gets her brains from.

**Charlie:** It get's crowded at Billy's place. Have you ever noticed how big those Quileute kids all are?

**browniechadowes:** *giggles* That's what she said.

**Bella: **Yeah, I have.

**Edward:** Well, that doesn't surprise me at all, what with her scarlet woman ways yesterday.

**Stephenie:** Edward, get out of the scene. I did not write you in there to make snarky comments about Bella's fidelity. *shocks Edward with tazer*

**Charlie:** _I am now going to, for the first time in the series, pretend to be a very loving and caring father._ I feel like I'm going to lose you soon. Tell me before you run off with him or something?

**Bella:** *le gasp* _He knows!_ Dad…

**Charlie:** Give me a chance to hug you goodbye. I love you, kid.

**Bella:** Love you too, Dad. _Gah, am having stroke from too much lurrve in the room._

At Jacob's:

**Bella's inner monologue:** It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the extent of-

**browniechadowes:** This better not get shippy, Bella.

**Bella:** _Oh alright._ _The extent of the damage._ How are you feeling?

**Jacob: ***takes a hit out of a bong* A little stoned._ Damn, must remember to thank Stephenie for this. Thank God she had some left after finishing up Breaking Dawn. But I've been kinda tripping out… you try being completely high and imagining werewolves and vampires and Bella at the same time._ Was he mean to you?

**Bella:** No. Of course he wasn't mean. I wish! _I am pretty sure that his balls have retracted back into his groinal area… or he's been getting into Jessica's estrogen supplements._

**Jacob:** He wasn't mad? _Well fuck._ He didn't give you an ultimatum or anything? _I was kinda banking on that… ooohhh, pretty, pretty colors._

**Bella:** *looking at Jacob petting the wall* What's wrong with you?

Jacob: *now licking the wall* _The schnozberries taste like schnozberries!_ He's better than I thought.

**Bella:** *ignoring incessant licking* He's not playing a game, Jake.

**Jacob:** _I want to play a game. Candyland looks amazing. Princess Lollipop is doing cartwheels, hehe. _He's playing, but he's a better manipulator than I am. _Always draws the double cards._

**Bella:** He isn't manipulating me.

**Edward:** Good lord, I didn't think I'd have that good of a hold on her. *grabs crown from Aro and christens himself King Manipulator*

**Jacob:** Oh no. I think I see some cheese dead ahead.

**Bella:** Bree?

**Jacob:** *rolls eyes* No Bella… Just… no. *clears throat* At least I made you see that you do love me. That's worth something.

**Bella:** Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that I'm in love with you? When it doesn't make a difference either way? *puts hand to head in overdramatic pose*

**Jacob:** Well, I did everything I could. _Uggghhh, I'm not even stoned enough to deal with this craptastic cheese._

**Bella:** It's my fault.

**Jacob:** Want me to haul you over the coals? _Mmmm, glowing coals. Such pretty colors._

**Bella**: _Mmmm, glowing coals. So hot… and burning…_ Actually… I think I do.

**Jacob:** Kissing me back like that was inexcusable. What were you thinking? *crosses fingers* _please tell me you were thinking about smutty Bella/Jacob fanfics… although I'm not sure I'm in the position to get anything up right now._

**Bella:** I wasn't. *starts bawling her head off*

**Jacob:** *Tries to get up*

**Bella**: *pushes crushed friend hard into the couch* You idiot! You'll hurt yourself.

**Jacob:** Think you just took care of that one for me. _Oh God. Not like it's the first time she's done something without thinking._ I can't believe you're crying. I'm going to give in and be good.

**Bella:** More games?

**Jacob:** _Only if you let me eat that Gloop Monster, or the Peanut Brittle guy._ Maybe. I'll be your friend, Bella.

**Bella:** *pokes Stephenie in the back* Okay, Steph, I really don't think I can say this. My glucose level is high, and this is really sugary shit… and I'm really confused. I always thought you were heavily team Edward…

**Stephenie:** I am. I am so much team Edward that I really enjoy torturing Jacob. Aww, come on, it's not that bad. *sticks Bella in the side with a stick* Go on….

**Bella:** *gulps* How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?

**Jacob:** _That is so… deep, man. I need to think about this. Oh, got it._ You know the story in the Bible? The one with the king and the women and the baby?

**Bella:** Don't really know where you're going with this one, Jacob…

**Jacob:** I'm not going to cut you in half.

**Bella:** Ermm, thanks?

**Jacob:** The worst part is knowing what would have been. _Some of those mature fanfics go way in depth._

**Bella:** What _might_ have been.

**Jacob:** Nope. _Fanfiction writers are the epitome of canon truths. You shut your mouth. You're ruining my fantasy._

**Bella's inner monologue:** Was it out there for Jacob? Something that would trump a soul mate?

**Edward:** *holding hand over Bella's mouth* You don't even want to go there, Bella. Drop that idea right now… I'm feeling nauseous.

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** Oh, you just wait. Just, whatever you do, do not read the next manuscript just yet.

**Jacob:** *taking another hit* He's like a drug for you, Bella. I would have been healthier. *tries to pet the sun through his window* Like the air, the sun.

**Bella:** I used to think of you that way. My personal sun.

**Jacob:** I can't fight with an eclipse. *shudders and rolls a blunt, dragging on it as fast as possible* _When, when, when did I become the cheesy character? Oh right, when I said I loved Bella._

**Bella:** I am the old Velveeta to the chips that are relationships.

**Jessica:** Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that one?

**Bella:** Because it didn't involve a sexual reference or puss.

**Jessica:** True.

**Jacob:** Tell me the worst part for you. *passes Bella the blunt*

**Bella:** *takes blunt and burns self on arm as form of punishment then passes it back* The worst part is that I saw the whole thing- our whole life.

**Jacob:** Did you leave a review for the fanficcer? They seem to really like those.

**Bella:** No, I'm one of the annoying readers that never gives out reviews. Anyway we were married and had babies.

**Jacob:** How long do you have left? _I mean, she can't stay a virgin forever… damn, should not have smoked that much weed._

**Bella:** That depends on the wedding.

**Jacob:** Before or after? _Hopefully after. That'll give me a little more time to steal the cherry before cold balls over there can get on her._

**Bella:** After. *whispers seductively in ear* You know I love you.

**Jacob:** I know. I'll always be waiting. _Damn, I sound a little pathetic, don't I?_

**Bella:** I wonder when it will happen. When the right girl is going to catch your eye.

**Edward:** *popping in* Damn it Bella, do you ever listen to me? I told you NOT to think about that. You just really, really don't want to know.

**Bella:** I wonder how jealous I'll be.

**Edward:** *punching Bella in the ovaries* God, I wish that were enough. Now, really, stop talking about it. *runs and ducks head into the whipped cream, hoping for a painless and quick death.


	26. Bella's a CockTease

**Bella's a Cock-Tease**

**Bella's inner monologue:** I didn't get very far before driving became impossible. _Uh oh, I think I hot boxed in Jacob's room and am now having a bad trip… so emotional!_ I wasn't alone for very long.

**Edward:** Are you really ready to go home? _Oh no, did she read the next book? God, I hope not._

At Bella's house:

**Charlie:** What happened? _Is Jacob… still a virgin? Maybe Jacob hit a home run… but must not get hopes up._

**Bella:** I had to talk to Jacob about… some things that were hard.

**Charlie:** _Hmmm "talking" about "hard things. Score! Jacob's the man. But he didn't really look up to it the last time I saw him…_ Was this really the best time?

**Bella:** Probably not, Dad, But I didn't have any alternatives.

**Charlie:** _Ummm, so Edward's not too keen on the pushin'? That's fine by me. _How did he handle it_? Hopefully he could last a little bit._

**Bella**: -

**Charlie:** I hope you didn't mess up his recovery.

**Bella**: He's a quick healer.

**Charlie's inner monologue:** *sigh* Ah those were the days… to be young and getting some. Damn, sometimes I miss Renee and that loofa of hers… oh and the ice cream. Good, good times.

In Bella's room:

**Bella's inner monologue: **So I spend the next night/day crying, occasionally switching to sobbing or weeping depending on the hour, as plain crying can become boring.

**Edward:** _Thank the lord the water works have ceased._ Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain- _and if living an eternity with you means that you are going to be blubbering like this, tears or no tears, I'm not sure I want it._

**Bella:** I know who I can't live without. Hand me that book.

**Edward:** This again?

**browniechadowes:** Really, I quite agree with Edward.

**Bella:** I wanted to find this part I remembered… If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. _Wow, even for me that's a tidge on the melodramatic side._

**Edward: **I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!

**Bella:** Yes.

**Edward:** Well, I was being sarcastic, but if it makes you happy…

At the Cullen's:

**Alice:** Thank you, Bella! Want to see your dress?

**Bella:** Sure. When did you get me a dress?

**Alice:** _I'm a future reader, Bella._ Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight. All right! C'mon.

**Bella:** *looking at old lacy Anne of Green Gables dress* It's just right for him.

**Alice:** _I thought Edward hadn't told her about his little dress-up habit_… But is it right for you?

**Bella:** I think it is.

**Alice:** Go play with Edward.

**browniechadowes:** *stifles laughter*

**Alice:** I have to get to work.

**Edward:** To the meadow!

**Bella:** To the meadow!

The meadow:

**Edward:** Why did you decide to give Alice free reign?

**Bella:** _Because ever since you stole my Ultimate Martyrdom List I have been trying to reclaim the position of ultimate martyr and this was a perfect opportunity. _Charlie and Renee and Phil. They'll know I'm happy.

**Edward:** Deal's off.

**Bella:** You're backing out? No! _..... Gah!_

**Edward:** No. We're doing this your way. Maybe if we gave you enough morphine_… I also heard Stephenie has an exuberant excess of left overs from writing Breaking Dawn._

**Bella:** Edward, no-

**Edward:** Don't worry, love. I haven't forgotten your demand.

**Orchestra:** *bow chicka wow wow*

**Bella's inner monologue:** If I wanted I wouldn't be able to remember why I had to stop him.- Wait, Stephenie, why for the name of all that is holy do I have to stop him?

**Stephenie:** Fiery pits of hell, pre-matrimonial sex, dirty dirty things, Bella.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh, never mind! My less noble side exulted. No, no, no.

**Bella:** Stop, Edward. Wait. _Ugghhh *shudders* Have just cock-blocked myself._

**Edward:** Why? _Damn it, it's just as frustrating the other way around._

**Bella:** I don't want to do this now. _Yes ah dooooooo!_

**Edward:** Don't you? I want you. Right now.

**Bella:** _Oh dear holy God. *looks down* If I had a penis then I would have a massive boner about now._ Wait, wait. .Noble.

**Edward:** Not for me. _Nope. It's been over 100 years. Tis the time to get down with a little necrophilian loving._

**Bella:** Please? _Your virtue, Edward, your virtue!_ Everything in the right order. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with.

**Edward:** *flips through novels_* When the hell did Bella get morals and a religion? Oh that's right, the very second I decide I want to screw the hell out of her. How convenient. Tease._ If you change your mind…

**Bella:** You'll be the first to know.

**Edward:** _Well, I would hope so, but seeing as you do love two people…_ I'll get you home.

**Bella:** I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell Charlie.

**Edward:** Highly dangerous. Can I behead, dismember, and set him on fire too?

**Bella:** Only if he's sporting his Team Jacob shirt.


	27. A Friendly Little Note

**A Friendly Little Note**

**browniechadowes: **Okay, all, I have work tonight, but will be posting up the last chapter when I get back, never fear. You know what to do if you want me to sick the characters out on Breaking Dawn. Warning: They will not be well behaved and slight of tongue will be rampant. Stroke my ego tenderly and in non-creepy fashion and I will consider dragging their asses back out of the pit of discarded characters for your giggling pleasure.

Super Bear: Oh ya, and shots for everyone.

Penguin: Fuck ya!

Aro: Cream puff?


	28. Skull and Crossbones

**Skull and Crossbones**

**Jacob:** Shit, Stephenie, this so does not make up for me 1.) Not getting any action 2.) Being completely heartbroken and 3.) You taking Candyland away from me before I could even play it.

**Stephenie:** But it's a start, right? Besides, the Bella/Jacob shippers were threatening to kill me.

**Jacob: **Ughh, I guess it's a start.

**Leah:** Do you think this is going to take too much longer? _Sam wouldn't have taken this long._

**Jacob**: Jump off a cliff, Leah. _Bella jumped off a cliff… Bella soaking wet after jumping off cliff, almost kissing my shoulder… gah, no, no, no._

**Leah:** Just look at this from my perspective for a minute. I dreamed about kissing her last night!

**Alice:** Mmmm, pure bliss, right?

**browniechadowes:** Oh god, the lesbian shippers have made their return. *hoses down shippers with Nyquil*

**Jacob:** Shut up. How do you think the rest of us like looking at Sam through your eyes?

**Leah:** *spits* _That was a low blow._ _And Sammykins is pure heaven._

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I made a face as I pulled my arm through the retarded sling. _Ahh, damn it, retarded… Bella's decisions, Bella without a bra… nope._

**Billie:** We got a wedding invitation.

**Invitation:**

_Jacob,_

_I am being a very very bad boy for sending this. She didn't want to invite you. But I wanted to give it to you anyway. Not to cause you anguish, but to be respectful… ya. I'll take care of her *winky face*_

_Edward_

**Jacob:** God, when did my life turn into shit? Oh ya, when I fell in love with Bella. I swear, her vagina should come with a skull and crossbones attached to it.

**Edward:** Did you read Breaking Dawn too?

**Bella:** Well, that was an interesting way to end a book. And my vagina is quite nice, thank you very much.

**Edward:** I bet it is darling cupcake.

**Jacob:** Ughh, now that that mess of a book is over, can we just unwind a bit?

**Mike:** Strip poker?

**Emmett:** Hells ya. *pulls out numerous bottles of liquid craziness*

**Super Bear and Penguin:** Woo fucking hoo. Time to lay back and relax.

**browniechadowes:** Send a stiff one my way. I'm going to take a quick shower to wipe all the shippiness off of me.

**Aro:** I'll bring the Jell-o.

**Edward:** Ermm, Bella, if I try to go anywhere near him in the next few hours, you have full permission to de-ball me.

**Bella's inner monologue:** He has balls?


	29. Super Bear The End

**Super Bear's Fun Facts**

**Super Bear:** So, browniechadowes has allowed me, a completely super-fictional and drunken fiend, to come up with a list of random fun facts.

**Emmett**: So's we won' be depressed 'bout lack of fight.

**Penguin**: *loading up a beer bong* Or lack of strong plot.

**Unicorn:** Or lack of control of projectile vomit while reading it. *giving shot to kinolaughs*

**Super Bear**: Yeah, we'll rag on Breaking Dawn, but we're also doing random fun facts about the whole renegade series, guys.

**Emmett:** 'Cuz we's busy an' important like that.

**Sarcasm:** Translation: We're bored out of our fucking mind and can't stand that the parodies are actually over…

**Super Bear:** Drumroll please…

**Orchestra: ***drumrolls*

**Super Bear:** Why the phrase"our perfect forever" drives me up a fucking wall:

Bella is dead.

Edward is dead.

The whole Cullens are DEAD, CANIBALISTIC NON-HUMANS.

Jacob's a pedophile.

Quil's a pedophile.

Charlie's left in the dark, while diddling someone *cough* Sue *cough* who knows exactly what's going on.

Renesmee makes no "perfect" sense to me even after reading the whole damn book.

Leah basically is the root of the phrase "screwed the pooch". Sam and Emily skip off into "perfect forever"-ness, and Leah gets to strip in front of her brother.

Ummm Volturi showdown… not so much.

**Penguin:** Although if you look at the list, Edward and Bella's "perfect forever" isn't really affected by any of those.

**Emmett:** I wann'ed a Volturi showdown damnit.

**Super Bear:** How Many Made Up Characters browniechadowes Accidentally Birthed in Four Parodies:

Me, of course *takes a bow* (Introduced in "Super Bear Wants to Tap Bella's Ass in GoD)

Awkward crickets (Introduced in "The Sea of Awkward Crickets" in GoD)

Browniechadowes' inner funny (Introduced in "Someone Stole my Inner Funny!" in GoD)

Penguin (Introduced in "Penguins Kick Ass" in ToS)

Unicorn (Introduced in "Unicorn and Edward's Box" in UoS)

Edward's Balls (Introduced in "Future Jacob and Desperate Edward" in UoS)

Sarcasm (Introduced in "Pokemon Chatrooms" in UoS)

**Super Bear: **Cuss words:

(damn, hell, crap, and suck don't count… because they don't tick up enough on the dirty meter… and neither does fucking "holy crow" *rolls eyes*)

Bastard: 6

Fuck (ed, ing): 88

Bullshit: 7

Shit (ty): 57

Ass(-tards): 78 (mainly from Mike and Sam… surprise surprise)

Bitch(es, ing,y): 55

(Sun-)Whore (-slut,ing): 29

Slut-bag: 1

Blow job: 3

Piss(ed): 14

Ho-bag: 1

Twat: 1

Fucktard: 2

Badass: 18

Cock(-tease, block): 8

Slut: 13

Cunt: 2

Asshole: 17

Anus (just because it sounds dirty): 4

Vag: 1

Douche bag (Bag o' douche): 12

Prick: 7

Coital (post,pre,present…he he): 8

Stumblefuck(ed,edness)*: 19

Penis (*giggle*): 2

Ass-plant: 1

Dumbass: 21

Dick: 9

Pussy(ing): 6

Blow(ing): 15

*sidenote: Quil and Embry: *calling Bella* Hottie McStumblefuck

(Shouldn't Have Had Second Helpings of Priest(RC), Never Gonna Happen (GoD), Someone Stole My Inner Funny!(GoD), have 0 real cuss words)

That makes for a grand total of… 534 cuss words… hmmm not as bad as once presumed.

**Super Bear:** Sexual Things:

Loofah, ice cream, cool whip, tomato soup, ice cubes, the Rabbit, Sam's anatomically correct doll, rubber duck, furbie, spaghetti sauce, Mike's black object, velveeta, blood.

**Super Bear: **Now, Jessica? Jessica!?! Come here. I'm giving you one chance to spout off everything you've ever said about Bella.

**Jessica:** About fucking time, Super Bear. *takes deep breath*:

"You are the pus in my pimple"

"You are the blood in my tampon"

"You are the fangirl to a shitty plot."

"You are the abscess to my infected tooth"

"…catheter to my urethra."

"She's the bamboo shoot to my Chinese torture"

"You are the STD to my vagina"

"You are the chunks in my vomit"

"You maggot in my expired mashed potatoes"

"You are the hose to my enema"

"You are the infected toe nail to my pedicure"

A la Lauren: "You are the cottage cheese consistency pus in my wound"

"She's the mold to my gouda cheese"

"You fucking knife to my lobotomy"

"You blade to my guillotine"

"…scissors to my castration"

"You razor burn to my armpits"

"You leprosy stricken scarlet woman"

"You are the psoriasis to my liver"

"You are the salt to my bloody cut"

"You sty in my eye"

"She is as comfortable as a UTI"

"She is the tear in a condom"

"Bitch, die"

"You infected needle to my heroin addiction"

A la Paul: "She is the probe to my colonoscopy"

"You crusted over syphilis sore"

"Stupid tapeworm to my colon"

"Venereal disease infested slut of a bastard child"

**Super Bear:** And now, from the mormon herself, a list of That's What She Said, taken directly out of S. Meyer's manuscript:

Bella: I don't like the cold, or the wet.

Edward: You're not going to let it go, are you?

Edward: I'll come for you soon.

Bella's inner monologue: Had Emmett always been so… big?

Bella: Dad, I'm all wet.

Jacob: Come inside! You're making me wet.

Bella: Jacob, it won't stay up., Jacob: It will when you're moving.

Bella: He (Jacob) looked huge.

Bella: What's the hardest part?

Bella: Is it hard?

Bella: Whatever you're thinking, Alice, I doubt I'm that free.

Edward: I could take a look, if you like.

Mike: Did you see the size of that Jacob kid?

Jacob: Come again?

Jacob: I think I can force it down. I won't enjoy it at all though.

Edward: Let's get you home and in bed.

Bella: Jacob was heavy. And hot.

Charlie: You coming, too, Edward?

Bella: Jacob's head is really hard.

Edward: It's hard and cold.

Bella: I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted.

Bella: Jacob's more cunning-

Bella: Seth was… faking?

Bella: I had to talk to Jacob about some things… that were hard.

Alice: Go play with Edward.

Charlie: Ouch, you got me, Alice. I'm bleeding on it.

In SM&UoS (at the wedding) Bella (to Jacob): I'm just so happy you came. It makes me very happy that you came. When did you decide to come?

Alice: Come with me, Bella.

Edward: The Volturi are coming.

Vladimir: And hope we get lucky.

In SM&UoS, Vladimir: They did come., Stefan: All of them, together.

Edward: I have something more to offer.

**Super Bear:** Oh, the cringe-worthy, trying feebly to be funny, times. Here are some of Stephenie's lame jokes *takes a shot*:

Edward: No blood, no foul.

Edward: So you faint at the sight of blood? *chuckles*

Bella: Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.

Bella: Will you turn into a bat?

In SM&TRC: Bella: *attempts lame joke by pretending to be scared of Edward*, Edward: *attempts to lamely play along to lame joke, causing overall lame attempt at humor.

Bella: Well, it's no irritable grizzly bear.

In SM&TRC: Bella: Vampires like baseball?, Edward: It's the American pastime.

Bella: Don't I taste as good as I smell?

Bella: This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen.

Bella: So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?

Bella: Do you think there's some mutated grizzly out there?

Alice: Well, that's ironic. It's St. Marcus' Day.

Bella: Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.

Bella: We're a bit sensitive to blood around here.

Embry: Hey, vampire girl!

Edward: Technically, I can't ever sleep with you.

Edward: Your little stunt with the rock nearly gave me a heart attack, and that's not the easiest thing to do.

Alice: Didn't break the skin. Trust me.

Bella: I'll be the one in white.

Jasper: Just a few mountain lions. A couple grizzly bears.

**Super Bear:** *browsing very smutty and disturbing fanfics* Let's not judge now, we all know after a few drinks, some of these pairings have crossed our minds. Here are the Unconventional Ships that seemed to happen in the Renegade Characters:

Bella/Jacob

Edward/Mike

Alice/Bella

Esme/Bella

Charlie/Alice

Dream!Bella/Victoria

Sam/non-consensual harem

Jessica/Lauren

Edward/Charlie

Aro/Edward

Aro/Carlisle

Aro/Marcus

Aro/Bella

Aro/Alice

Aro/Mike

Aro/Amun

Aro/Renesmee

Aro/Garrett

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* So, Aro pretty much gets around more than even stumblefuck Bella here.

**Aro:** Are you suggesting I'm a… floozy?

**Super Bear:** *ignoring Aro* Anyways… so continuing with the Ship list:

Stephenie Meyer/Caius

Bella/Carlisle

Charlie/Jacob

Mike/Jacob

Mike/Mike's mom/Bella

Jacob/Edward/Bella

Edward/Jacob

Rosalie/Bella

Edward/Emmett

Alice/Jacob

Peter/Charlotte/Jasper

Edward/Mr. Varner

Edward/Seth

Charlie/Renee

Tanya/Edward

Tanya/Bella

Bella/Bella

Bella/Mr. Jenks

Garrett/Kate

Felix/Bella

Tanya/Caius

**Super Bear:** *shudders and takes tequila shot* So wrong, yet so right. Here are all of the sexual laws broken:

Necrophilia

Statutory Rape

Polygamy

Incest

Pedophilia

Bestiality

**Super Bear:** No it's not everyone in the series, but it is quite a few…

**Edward:** Hey!

**Edward's balls:** Well, it is true…

**Super Bear:** I give you: People Who Mistake Edward for Gay:

Jacob

Mike

Bella

Emmett

Charlie

Jasper

Aro

Marcus

Alice

Carlisle

Renesmee

Caius

Tanya

Edward's balls

Edward

**Super Bear:** Random documents that made their way into the series:

All 4 novels, of course

Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass

"Why I Should or Shouldn't Become a Vampire" list

Bella's Ultimate Martyrdom Plan

"Bella's an Irrevocable Chagrin Fucktard o' Love" list

Humor for Dummies

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* So… I guess that's the end of it. Browniechadowes asked me to give a special thanks to all of those who have been with her throughout the whole series, especially kinolaughs, LaniLynne, and Kayanne.

**browniechadowes:** *passing shots out to all devoted readers* And I am definitely up for suggestions for another story. If you leave me a review with a suggestion, I'll mull it over. And be sure to check out my other story, Self-inflection and Sysygies… I'm revamping (haha no pun intended) Bella, big time.

THANKS FOR READING & REVIEWING! 


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